One Day At A Time

 One more day on the Wegovy train.   Saw my doctor this morning for my lab follow-up.   My thyroid numbers are good.   My cholesterol is good.   My liver numbers are back up but I was definitely drinking more the past few months.    Overall we are pleased.    Set my next appointment in 2 weeks which will be 2 days after my 3rd Wegovy dose.   We should know better then how I'm doing and have time to get the script in for the next batch.    Will probably try to go up to 0.5 but if that is not in stock we have the flexibility to stay on .25 as long as that is available. 

I also got the GABA supplement so that is going onto my nightime meds tonight.  

As an addendum to yesterday:  made Turkey Vegetable soup and had a small bowl with some noodles.   Also had about a half a glass of white wine.   I cut it with the Waterloo Mojito Mocktail Seltzer (no sugar, no alcohol)   It was nice to treat myself since I did do 40 minutes of treadmill yesterday.

On to today:

Weight this am - 187

Treadmill - 42 minutes at 2.0 for 1.43 miles

Slept better last night.   I don't get anything close to nausea unless I don't eat when I'm hungry.    Had a salad with chicken again this morning and made more chicken up for the rest of the week.  Treated with a Keto Salted Caramel Bar after my walk. 

Today was picture day.   I did front/side/back photos.    I'll redo those in a month I think.   Probably sync everything up (scan, waist measurement, photos) to the same day each month for simplicity.  This weekend I may add in other measurements but we'll see. 

On another note, I did find out that they cast based on fight ability/agility.   So essentially my weight/fitness actually did get in the way of my work.  This experience has really made me conscious that I have a pattern of giving more than required and then feeling like that should carry some weight (no pun intended).   I'm learning that people will take whatever you are willing to give, but that in no way means they feel obligated to return more than they originally intended.   

I'm going to put ME first now.    I will add a couple of conflicts to rehearsal schedules to make sure I take time for myself and am not the only person always available.   I will no longer just volunteer my personal belongings to make it easier on the theatre company when doing so is only for their good and not my own.    I will no longer invest more energy in a production than is required for me to simply fulfil my obligation to the role.    

My obligation is to me now.   

"I am the one thing in life I can control

I am inimitable I am an original" ~ Hamilton

And I'm no longer willing to just let people just take

Another Day - Another Tool

Yesterday was a bit of an up and down day for me mood-wise. 

On the up side -  I started back up tracking food on MyFitnessPal.   I found some yummy low carb snacks at Sprouts.   Harvest Snaps is the brand.   Wound up having 2 small bags with some ginger/lime seltzer.    Then I rounded out my day with an apple, a salad with lemon/dijon chicken, and water + Pellegrino in the evening.    

Unfortunately I found out that I did NOT get cast in a play that I was REALLY looking forward to doing.   I actually recommended this play to the theatre company and introduced them to the author which my got them a preview copy to read over.    So it feels a bit dismissive not being asked to work on this production.   There is a part of me that feels like I need to stop just GIVING so much and being so invested when it's obviously not a mutual thing....but that is a whole nother subject and post.

Back to the journey.   This experience made me feel even more like my weight is getting in the way of doing what I love which just makes me more committed to this.

Last night I had a bit of trouble sleeping, which was probably a combo of meds and mental.   I had a bit of heartburn and some nausea so I grabbed 2 tums in the middle of the night.   Woke up with a very mild headache.

OH I should log what meds I use as well.    Right now daytime is NDT thyroid meds, Biotin, Vitamin D and I added B12 back in yesterday.   Night is BP med, melatonin, magnesium and CBD oil.   Need to add GABA back in when I go to the doctor tomorrow. 

Weight this am - 188

I added me360 app and did a full body scan this morning.   Measurement was within 1/2 an inch of what I measured for waist yesterday.   

Going to have salad later and make a turkey vegetable soup for dinner.    

Planning on a 30-40 minute treadmill session since I feel pretty good and I'll get back to detail cleaning the downstairs since I'm very close to finishing. 

I will probably keep this daily for a bit but I expect to shift to once or twice a week as things progress.

Treadmill - 43 minutes at 2.0 for 1.42 miles

A Different Road - Week 1 Day 1

 Even with all of my health issues...I never thought it would come to this.    Sure, my Hashimotos made gaining weight way too easy... and I had to struggle with medications and finding the right doctor and dose and diet.    But when all of that was aligned and I disciplined myself to stick to a regime...my body behaved.     

Covid changed all that.    Ever since I got it (even though I was vaccinated and it was "relatively" mild) my tried and true methods no longer work.   

My medication and lab levels are great....I gain weight

My diet is perfect...I gain weight 

I exercice...I gain weight 

Well, today, with the help of Wegovy, I hope to change all of that.    

I'm coming back to blogging and I'm going to chronicle this new chapter.    Let's see if Diet, Dosage, and Discipline will work again with Wegovy.

Starting Dose - 0.25mg

Starting Weight - 189lbs

Waist - 42 inches

Micro goal - 175lbs 

Ultimate goal - 120lbs

Diet is  low carb, low to no processed food, no added sugar.    Mainly vegetables and protein with some fruit.    Minimal dairy.

Exercice is treadmill and pilates for now with others added as viable.

First dose was at 9am today.   Injection in lower stomach.   It's super easy to administer.  I had a slice of low carb bread with the injection to settle my stomach and since then have had a small salad and seltzer.    

I'm salivating a bit more than normal so I'm just maintaining fluids.   There is a very very light ache at injection site.   I'm keeping today low key while I see how my body reacts.

Here's to first steps on a journey back to health

What is GISH

GISH is celebrating weirdness. GISH is celebrating you. GISH is everything you hoped for and always something new.
GISH is beauty in uniqueness. GISH will evermore be true. GISH is spices, trash and glitter, and way too much hot glue.

GISH is Art and Math and Science. Dance and Poetry and Food. All these things rolled up together in one fantabulistic ooze
You can make things out of feathers, you can puzzle, you can ZOOM. Your best is ALWAYS good enough no matter what you choose.

GISH promotes sustainability. It's zero waste my friend. Reduce, Reuse. Recycle so our planet doesn't end
We eat without utensils. That's what GISH recommends. It's all there in the commandments, upon which the game depends.

Can you paint upon your body. Can you carve a piece of soap. Do you build things out of Legos. Do you build things out of Rope.
It's Picasso from potatos; making a Rube-Goldberg slope. But no matter what it is you do...Gish is always HOPE

GISH provokes creative spirit. GISH inspires everyone. GISH demands social justice and doesn't quit until it's done.
GISH is unexpected kindness. GISH is accidental love. GISH is unreasonable pain and suffering in the pursuit of fun.

GISH is known the whole world over. GISH is a world we all create. When you join the GISH community there is no room for hate.
GISH is Jello (so much jello) used in ways you don't expect. GISH is saying “DAMMIT MISHA” as you stay up way too late.

So even though the pun-GISH-ment won't always fit the crime. This phrase we all will mutter “it seemed like a good idea at the time”

The Road So Far...

     I'm about a month behind where I wanted to be when this whole bizarre dystopian insanity began.   Since the best thing to do for the future is to journal when this sort of craziness happens, let me backtrack and see if I can catch up to the present. 

The first confirmed death in China 1/11/2020

First confirmed case in the US 1/21/2020

1/30/2020 WHO declared a Global Health Emergency

1/31/2020 US restricts travel into the US from China for Foreign Nationals (excludes permanent residents or family members of citizens.

2/5/2020 Princess Cruise ship on lockdown after confirmed cases

2/7/2020 Chinese doctor who tried to raise the alarm dies

2/11/2020 Virus officially named Covid 19 (a mix of Coronavirus and year started)

2/14/2020 First European death in France

2/19/2020 People leave the Princess Cruise ship after lockdown lifted

2/23/2020 Italy sees a surge in cases and locks down certain cities

2/24/2020 45 asks congress for funds for Coronavirus response team

2/29/2020 First death in the US.   Travel restrictions implemented

3/3/2020 CDC lifts federal restrictions on Covid testing

3/11/2020 WHO declares Covid 19 a pandemic

Why I Love My NewsFeed

Sometimes in life it's the little things that really make your day.  
And some days those little things are the random links, articles, memes, etc that randomly show up in my newsfeed as I scroll through the things my friends have posted on Facebook.

I have come to the realization that I have some pretty AWESOME friends....and also that I need to chronicle these gems (actually my husband said....you could make a whole blog about this)  

So here we go.   The latest installments of:  

THE SHIT THAT SHOWS UP IN MY NEWSFEED
(aka: why I love my friends)


  A Butt Lamp that you Spank

An article about Clitoral Atrophy

A school painting project gone Horribly Wrong

"Squatty Potty"

Peek-a-Boo Kitty

And Finally The Dildo Selfie

I Love My Friends!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Not exactly a foreign concept, I know.  

Most people expect to be treated with a certain amount of respect in their dealings in life...both professional and personal; and most people and businesses will back that up.   That is especially true the more professional the business is.  

For example:   If I go out to eat at a nice restaurant I am expected to dress a certain way, and behave in an appropriate manner or I can expect to be asked to leave.    Conversely, I expect a certain level of service and respect for my time and for my patronage.    If I have a reservation then I have the right to expect to be seating at that time...and if there is a reason they cannot accommodate the reservation then I expect an acknowledgement that they are running behind when I show up.  

So why is it that medical professionals increasingly seem to feel that they are immune from treating their patients with the basic level of respect that the cost of the service we are paying for would seem to indicate?  

If I show up for a 10 am appointment I expect to be in an examining room within 10-15 minutes of my SCHEDULED appointment time.    If the doctor is running behind I EXPECT to be informed of that when I check in.   That way I can properly manage my time.   To neglect to inform a patient of a known delay (either at check-in or preferably via phone call before check-in) is simply disrespectful and completely inappropriate.   And I am left wondering why we as patients just quietly accept this sort of rudeness.  

Now, to clarify....I've worked in medical offices for a large portion of my life; my mother is an RN who managed an office for a high end medical specialist.  I completely understand that emergencies happen...that appointments run over...that sometimes you need to double book things.    HOWEVER, that does not excuse leaving patients to sit in a waiting room for over an hour after their scheduled appointment time with NO communication whatsoever that the Dr is running behind and how long one can expect to wait.    Telling me that 'he just fell behind' or 'we didn't realize' is just a form of gross incompetence and, frankly, a very poor way to run a business.

We need to collectively remember that Doctors are NOT gods.   While we do have to expect a level of flexibility in timing, we should not be expected to use OUR time to compensate for their choice to inappropriately time their schedule.   It's an office not an Emergency Room...and things get missed when patients are hurried in and out like a fast food drive through.

Dance with the Devil

     Yesterday was a bit shadowy for me.    My inner demons decided it would be a good day to come out and play with me.
     You know what I'm talking about.   Those things that hide in the shadowy corners of your memories.   We all have them.   Granted I was a bit of an idiot and invoked mine.    How to explain this?   Well...I was doing a bit of mental role-play involving 'what if'.   As in "What if I had met my husband back when I was, oh, 16 or 17...or even 18?"  
      (Now to really get this you need to understand some background here.   In brief: I was a bit suicidal when I was 14 or so, flirted briefly with cutting...basically I tried it and found that I liked it a bit too much, and that it didn't hurt, that in itself scared me enough to not continue.   At 16 my Gram,  was diagnosed with cancer...we moved over 40 miles away to the other side of the state..and I helped care for her in a hospice kind of way until she went into the hospital to die.    She passed away right after I turned 17, right before the start of my senior year.)
    Not to say that I wasn't still screwed up when I met Mark at 23  (actually I was probably a bit worse, since I had finally gone through my own private self-destruction) but he's always been my stabilizer,  in a cliche way he's my knight in shining armor...or...leather actually.   But you get the drift.   So what if I had met him before I imploded?  
     Interesting little mind-play, with some rather unintended consequences.  See, I'm an actor.   So when I take on a role I live it and breathe it and it takes me over.   Apparently mental role-playing can do the same thing.    Hence the demons.
      Dancing in a masquerade ball with my inner demons.   Not the most enjoyable way to spend time...but it fed my creativity in unexpected ways.    In some way, I think I needed to invoke the darkness again, if only to see the flames of my soul in brighter contrast.    For a while the demons fed on me...and then I remembered to dance.   To grab hold of the rending claws fearlessly, careless of the wounds, and DANCE. Whirl to the dark music in my soul.  
    Once you learn to dance with your darkness, it feeds you rather than feeding on you.

The shadows are a part of the light, a part of life.   We can let them feed on us, or we can embrace them.   Whirl in the feral longings of our primal soul's music.   And Dance.

Some 2011 musings

It's been a year of changes....and a year of unexpected blessings...and losses. 
It's the unexpected blessings that plant the deepest seeds ....and the unexplained and unexpected losses that leave the deepest scars


Blessings and Love to all those who have touched my life....near and far, intimately or in passing. You have left your footprint on my soul and I am grateful


sometimes the wounds run deep...and when the flimsy scabs are ripped off...the pain reaches out and encompasses the innocent


I may sometimes doubt where life has taken us...and the path we are on. I may sometimes feel that things should be different or easier. One thing I never doubt is my choice to travel this road with you. One thing I know is that we were made for each other. 
Whatever else life throws at me...I know the choice to spend my life with you was the best choice I ever made


A world in which everyone is the same is like a garden in which there is only one flower


What you are calling power is what I tend to define as inner strength. There is true strength in stillness and flexibility. Being strong enough to allow for beliefs other than your own without feeling threatened or defensive. 
I can be powerful or strong in my vulnerability because it allows me to feel compassion and empathy....emotions that can reveal and implement change. Being strong enough...powerful enough to bend...to change. Like the waves of the ocean there is power in fluidity. There is power in love and love can effect true change where fear cannot.


The beauty of the rainbow lies in the diversity and harmony of all it's colors....it is a poor rainbow that only admits one hue.


to assist others on their journey first you must blaze your own trail


I love it when you meet the people that on some level you have known forever


Labeling and stereotyping do more damage than anything else because they tends to dehumanize and therefor perpetuate discrimination


People love extremes like "always" and "never" forgetting that life is not a black and white line drawing.

In Between the Dark and the Light.

"The brightest lights shine best out of the darkness...sometimes I wonder if we don't create the dark in order to bring out the light and give it it's proper setting"

This was my status on facebook the other day.   It's kind of a personal and global rumination I've been having.   I was thinking about how most of my poetry has come out of a very dark place...almost as if it needed the darkness to be born.
It seems like a lot of art comes out of suffering.   I began to wonder if those who are creative make or invite in their own darkness in order to kindle the light.  
Then I began to think globally, about how the greatest 'lights' of the world are always set against the darkest times...and I wonder if humanity doesn't sometimes create the darkness to set off the light.   OR because we need the light and we won't find it unless it contrasts with the dark.

How much does the darkness call forth the light in our souls...and how much do we crave the darkness in order to better see the light?  

All The Things I Thought I'd Figured Out...

My dear, darling, friend Elizabeth thinks I need to teach.   

Yes...Me

Yes...Teach

And not just teach anything (although she'd be very happy with that)...but specifically acting (although Shakespeare WAS mentioned as well).   

There is a problem with this...the problem being I want to BE acting not TEACH acting. 

 "Well...why not coach then?"   

Um....hmmm...

"You could coach people in memorization...and cold readings....and auditions"

Um...well...

OKAY........ the thing is..... I could DO that! 
 I could totally see myself doing something like that.  
But how in the hell do you actually get STARTED???   How do you ADVERTIZE something like this and what the heck do you CHARGE?????   

I know how I memorize...I know how to help most people memorize...I know the tricks and the follow-through to anylizing a script.   
I know how to cold-read.   I am (if I do say so myself)  really good at cold readings (ask my directors).    I know how I got that way, and while some of it is finding that magic moment...a LOT of it is technique.    It's learning how to read a scene and make instant choices...learning how to make the lines on a page come alive and about not being afraid to be bold.
I know how to prep an audition piece.   I can help someone narrow choices down to one or 2 good contrasting monologues...help them memorize them...help them prep them for performance.  

These are things I enjoy doing....for myself and for others.  

Now....NOW comes the rub...how do I market something I love?

Don't Stop Believing...

I sit here, having just entered the final year of my 30's, and I wonder.

I wonder where I'm going...and where the time went.
I wonder how I got here...and why I'm not where I thought I'd be
Where did the dreams go?   and the ambition?  
and the me I always thought I'd be
Where is she?

The journey has been a rough one at times...and I think a lot of that is my own doing.    The beginning of my new year seems like the proper time to make the changes happen.   To put into place the things that will help me become the person I expect of myself.

Instead of being unhappy with the changes time creates in what I see...I need to take action to create the changes I WANT to see.    I'm exercising again...and enlisting my daughter as personal terrier...she gets to badger me (one of her strengths) about doing one of my numerous workout DVD's daily.    I'm also walking more...which helps a lot too.  

Instead of feeling like I'm falling behind and failing myself...I need to create a system to stay on track and on top of things.    The next available cash we have goes into getting me a calendar and a financial planning book.   

At least I'm back rehearsing for shows...that part feels right.  

Now to get the rest of me tuned up and in gear...to hold on to that feeling of LIVING rather than marking time...and to keep on believing...in me.

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jog

Sometimes home is a place you need to go back to to remind yourself of why you left in the first place.

Had a bit of that this past weekend.   We travelled back to Philly for a surprise party for Mark's aunt.   WE got to be the surprise. :)   The party was wonderful...the way peoples faces lit up when they saw Mark again and FINALLY got to meet Arietta and Rowan (yes we HAVE been gone *that* long.)  was priceless.   The food wasn't the healthiest but hey...it's a party...for a large Italian Family...you kinda expect that.

Then Sunday was brilliant.   Went to see Mary Ellen again...one of my dearest friends and ex-sister-in-law.   Was just like we had never been apart.    Mark's sister came with us and his Mom and Stan joined us.   Stan even played with the kids (croquet of all things) and they had a blast.   Then Mommy-Lynn and Stan took us all to Friendly's for Ice Cream/Dinner and then home to watch a Movie.  

I kept thinking to myself that I wouldn't mind moving back towards Philly to be back with all this again.

Then MONDAY...again brilliant.   Hung out with old friends of Mark who are new friends of mine...Jewels in the morning and Jon in the afternoon and their respective children.   AND we got to have an old friend of both of ours Rommy hang out in the afternoon too.   Was just wonderful.

The we were off to dinner at Bibi's...

...
...
... and then it hit me.

The gender-role stereotyping at dinner (women-folk feed their children while the men sit and talk)  

The lack of food diversity (meat, potato, gravy, stuffing,   and one salad with *a* cucumber, *a* tomato, *a* cut carrot and iceberg lettuce)   I think MY children devoured 9/10ths of the cucumber, tomato and carrot too.     The laizze-faire discipline at dinner...let's have the TV ON in the other room while the kids refuse to eat or stay sitting and then reward them with ice cream (mind you I was VERY proud of my 3 who STAYED AT THE TABLE and ATE while this was going on...even the 4 yr old)  

All of this I could handle though...it's not like we would LIVE there and I know Mark will be attentive and not allow them to subtly shunt him into a gender-biased role.

But then it hit me square across the face....out of the mouth of one of the older male relatives came something that made my jaw hit the floor and my brain sieze up.     I was literally floored.    I had thought that racist derogatory terms for someone whose skin happens to have a different hue were a thing of the past (or of isolated pockets of KKK-ville)   But no...apparently people still use language like that to describe (his words)  "those people"

Well let me tell you something Uncle-Racist.   I won't have *MY* children around THOSE People...and by that I mean YOU.     I will not condone such appalling bigotry by remaining in the same house or allowing my children to do so. 

PEOPLE are PEOPLE regardless of hue
But I won't have my children round people like YOU
People who judge by the color of skin
are not people whose company I choose to be in

A very sharp reminder for Mark and I that living a ten hour drive from family might not be such a bad idea after-all.

The Play's the Thing...

     and apparently it's my "thing" again.  

I'm finding my "home" again.   Behind the footlights.   Trying on someone elses skin to see how it fits and feels and how well I can create their reality so that you, the audience, feel it too.    I'm making myself at home here in Cincy.  

Went to audition for the 2010/11 season at the Westwood Community Theatre (The Drama Workshop) for 2 of the 3 plays.   On Golden Pond and Enchanted April.   My goal was to make them remember me...I don't expect to get cast right off the bat but dammit I KNOW I can cold-read with the best of them and I expect to make an impression.   Well...I apparently did.   I've been cast.   In both.   AND the director of Enchanted April asked if I would like to audition for a play she is directing for the Footlighters (another group) Blithe Spirit.  

Um...wow.   Apparently I made one HECK of an impression.

It's good to be back.

Cincinnati WKRP

"But maybe think of me once in a while"

     Growing up I never thought I would live in the land of  "WKRP in Cincinnati".    (and yes I realize I may be dating myself by remembering that show.)

     But we are here...safely ensconced in the eastern portion of the central mid-western U-nited States of America.
Home of the Reds and the Bengals and some pretty damn good music.  

Honestly we gave Kauai a pretty good run.   I wouldn't trade our time there for anything.   I was talking today with some close friends from our time on the 'Island'.   My friend Julian asked how I was enjoying driving without leaning to the right or left (for those not in the know...the road on Kauai is one big U (you can't even drive in circles.)    It kinda left me thinking about how Kauai is like a mobius strip...no matter where you go, there you are, staring deeply into your own eyes.    There is only so long that you can stare into your soul before you become neurotic.    I speak from experience.   

When you come to the island things are wonderful at first...you get 6-9 months to acclimate before everything you ever avoided in life comes barreling at you head first.   And on an island the size of a postage stamp with the energy impact of a large vortex...you escape NOTHING!!!    Turn from the problem and you turn to face it.   Turn again and it's right in front of you.   It stares deeply into your eyes as you feel its breath on the back of your neck.   You either face your demons or they consume you.

After a while though, you do finally come to a space of peace...and that is the point where the island either keeps you or tells you it's time to move on.   Basically...if Kauai is a paradise and you can afford to enjoy all she has to offer...stay.   Otherwise GO!!!! NOW!!!   because if you don't leave then you spend a bit of time in hell.

Don't believe me?   Let me elaborate.   Think of the paradise of Hawaii...the sun, the sand, the beauty...
Now think of being unable to afford to drive your car DOWN the hill to the beach on a hot day because it's a choice between gassing the car up and feeding your child.     Believe me I've lived that and it is hell.  

I've found that it's time to tear my eyes away from inward contemplation and begin to see again the things that exist on the horizon.   To scan out potential  and future and life.    To LIVE again instead of examining the minutia of my soul.

It's all worthy work...but sometimes...

you need to know when to fold them.

....please stand by

I feel a bit like I've been in a holding pattern during the move...and so focused on getting OUT of Hawaii and INTO Ohio that I kinda lost the thread of my writing.

I think I need to jump back in.

I may be stuttery for a bit...and stumble over some words and thoughts...but I'll get back here.

It's a new day dawning afterall.

A little Epiphany

I love reading things that make me ponder.  

It feels good to churn ideas over and over in my brain...debating the different aspects with myself, thinking it through from different angles...different perspectives.   That's right.   Make me WORK for it.     Which is exactly what my friend Melanie did for me in her blog the other day.    She brought up some points about balancing the unconditionality of Love while staying true to oneself.    Made me think.   So...I probably have her to thank for my little epiphany the other day.

See we were talking...Mark and I about moving to Kauai 10 years ago.  And about what we'd do differently if we ever move back.  There have been a lot of regrets associated with that.   A lot of things we gave up...compromised...felt we should have done differently.   A lot of blame and resentment kind of burbling below the surface...waiting.

A friend of mine, Elinor, from my parenting board just moved to Ohio from Hawaii a year ago.   We were talking some and she likened living in Hawaii to being in an abusive relationship...you know...you love it/him/her soooo much....it just HAS to work....if I just do THIS it will work...I know it didn't work before but NOW...NOW it WILL.   Until you are so beaten down that you finally admit that it just can't work...and then getting out...is almost as much of a struggle as staying. 

As all of this was churning in the miasma of my thoughts a realization suddenly surfaced out of the murk and confusion.   One of those moments where you just....Stop...and breathe....and say..."Ah yes.   Now I understand."   

I came to the realization that during our move to Kauai...even though we moved because we love her so...we compromised who we are...in essence...to come here.   We did not come here on ethically sound terms...and that does something on a karmic or soul level that  destabilizes the whole foundation.   

It was in that moment that I saw it.   I understood the truth that had been pecking at my mind every since I had read Melanie's blog.  That you can love someone or something unconditionally...but real love doesn't mean compromising what makes you WHO YOU ARE....the limits and boundaries that create YOU.  You can go through changes...what you LOVE can change...and you will still love it   BUT  you don't sacrifice what makes you uniquely YOU for love.
  
Real love does not diminish...real love does not subtract.   It does not ask you to take away from yourself.   It doesn't ask you not to be loving to yourself.   The Love can be unconditional and unchanging but the act of loving needs to be performed in a way that does not take away from who you are.  


Now that doesn't mean you don't sacrifice for love.   People would give up their lives for their children and that in no way contradicts this...your life is not your essence...there is a part of you that should be inviolable and when you compromise THAT....that's when the love no longer serves you.


This is true for a move...a job...and the love of your life.


True Love...Always...Adds.

At a Loss for Words

It's not often that you'll find me without a suitable retort.

After all my years of Improv and Playback I'm pretty quick on the verbal draw...so to speak.  So it definitely bears noting when I get left at a loss for words...not once...but TWICE.  

In One Day

And both times involved my role in the Vagina Monologues. 

(a little background for those not in the know:  my Monologue is called "The Woman Who Liked To Make Vaginas Happy"   and my character is a sex worker...a Dominatrix...who specializes in doing sex work with Women)

So this afternoon, after I finish working some blocking, my daughter (she's almost 8) looks at me and asks:
"So...what's YOUR part Mommy?"   "Who do YOU play?"  

(pause) ...um...(pause)...well...(pause)...Mark you wanna help me out here?

{{How do you explain a Dominatrix to an 8 year old?}}

  I...um...am a woman who helps other women find power through their sexuality.  

{{DUDE!!! that was quite the challenge}}

Ok so then I'm at rehearsal.  Our newest cast member is 17 (she'll turn 18 opening night) and she is there with her mother (who is in the Ensemble) and her younger sister.    Soooo.....  I get up to get things set up for my piece.   I'm wearing a black silk camisole top edged with lace and 3 inch heel black Fuck-Me pumps and carrying my prop.   A black leather split tip riding crop.

The girl looks at me and in the sweetest most innocent voice asks:  "Is that a fly-swatter?"

um...

blink

uh...No.....

Mom mentions that her daughter is very innocent.  

I was like..."um...not after THIS piece she won't be"  

TWICE in ONE DAY!   Who woulda thunk it?

And the Exodus begins...

The wheels are starting to turn and things are being set in motion.  

We have 2 checks to start a *moving expenses*  bank account.   My kitchen dinette set has been passed on to the same person who gave us the 2nd car.   My massage chair has been sold.    My friends are probably going to buy our outdoor table/chair set. 

Things are starting to leave...starting to move on.   The exodus is beginning...and I'm ok with it.

I sat down the other week and changed my thinking...instead of saying we *have* to leave Kauai...I have made it a choice.   We CHOOSE to leave...because we do not choose to stay under these circumstances.    I can't always control events but I AM in charge of how I react to them.  

There is a lot more inner peace that way.  

I am the captain of my destiny.

Roll the Bones.

My control demon must be having a field day with me....it's like everything that can possibly be left to chance is being thrown into the air like a pair of dice in a craps game.  

Roll the bones babe...

And the kicker?   I don't CARE about it being all up in the air except for the kids sake.   I'd like to have some idea of where we land so they aren't tossed about like dice on a casino table.  

If it was just Mark and I ...heck...roll it baby and lets see what comes up.   Ride into the sunset and let each day bring what it will bring.   I don't want to do that to them thought.   the move is hard enough. 

Had to tell them we are looking to rehome the cats the other day.   Julian took it very hard.   Georgie is his twin...they are the same age and they have been together as long as he can remember.   Man that ripped out my heart.   Jude asks for so little in life...I want to give him his kitty.  

We're looking to sell the payroll company though so maybe that will come through.   If we can get enough from that to cover moving expenses then life is golden.   It's amazing how calm I am in the midst of having no clue what comes next.   That's a good thing....I think.

Roll dem bones bay-bee....

Valentine's Day 2009

My heart lies sheltered
in the cradle of your soul

I can be more than I dreamed
through the gift of your love

Entwined with you I touch eternity
and soar.

Entwined with you I am whole
completed
one.

Swimming in a Sea of Molassas

I don't feel like I'm completely buried in Limbo anymore, but I do keep running into mini-limbos.   We've applied for food assistance and of course that can't start until we have Mark's paystubs for Jan.   Now that SHOULDN'T be a problem, right?  He had the one from last week arrive in the mail.   Then he went in today (Friday) to pick up his other stub.   The plan was to head over to the state office from his old work and drop that off and then the money should be available so we could shop this weekend.  

Well....scratch that.   The office is closed today b/c of the "furloughs"...the same furloughs that have my kids home from school today creating chaos in my house.   They are also closed on Monday for the holiday so it looks like we won't see that until Tuesday at the earliest.  

We're waiting on finalization on where we are going to land.  I completely understand and approve of the delay but I'm kinda in limbo (not really HERE but not really THERE) until that goes through.    We should also know that next week.

I have a buyer for my massage chair (maybe) but that's not til monday.

It's forward motion...but it feels like I'm swimming through molasses.  

Be careful what you wish for...

...because the reality might not look anything like what you expected.  

We wanted to set down some roots and be able to own a house.    We wanted to invite in abundance but not abuse it.   To live within boundaries financially.   To give the kids experiences rather than money/things.   We wanted to travel and be able to visit everyone.

Well...moving is sure as heck going to give the kids experiences...especially since we want to take some time to travel with them...see the country and our friends on the way to our new space.

be very careful about what you ask.

I've got two possibilities open to me right now...well I actually have way more than two but I have two definite places with a landing spot at the other end that will give us breathing room.    Now I need to look at the practical aspects of those...

Are there jobs there...can we make our goals a reality?   What's going to be the best space for the kids.

I've also got to figure out how to do any of this with the animals.   Doing the research, it's going to cost more to ship THEM than to fly US!?!   Unreal.   Just unreal.    I may have to face leaving some of them behind and I'm not sure how to handle that.  

The Limbo is over...the beach is swept clean...and it's time to walk the path and see what we'll find over the mountains...and across the sea.

...all tumbling down...

...and the castles built in stone reveal themselves as merely sand
and crumble to the touch
...and the dream we had we thought were gold
tarnish now and rust

...and the hopes we placed in plans we made
have withered on the vine
...and we stand alone and watch the waves
wash clean our foolish pride.

When it stops serving you it's time to let it all go.

That's the place I'm sitting in right now. Did a lot of railing against fate and life and stuff earlier...but you can only sit in despair for so long before it starts getting boring. Really...

I mean I'm sure I'll be doing that a lot more over the next bit of time ...but for now...I sit.

Mark is no longer selling timeshare...not that he sold one...which was the problem. sigh. Of course only getting 15 total tours didn't help the odds any. So now that leaves us...well...kind of in a difficult space. Right now it's feeling like Kauai no longer wants us here...we've worked hard the past 10 years and haven't gotten anywhere stable out here...and I don't need concrete stability...but a balance on the surfboard would be nice. Just one breaker after another keeps rolling us under though.

It's time to fold...time to cut bowstrings...

Unless something real comes to us in the next week or so we make plans to move...

{{it hurts my heart to say that}}

we pack up all our cares and woes and Bye Bye Blackbird man. But I can't do this anymore. I can't put my kids through this anymore. I can live frugal but I can't live on nothing.

Part of me is going to be left behind on this rock if we have to leave though...she holds my heart so.

Right now we are pulling in...regrouping...trying to find our center. But still...I look around the house and try to find the things I can't..no... won't live without. There is very little I need really.

I'm still in a sort of a shock. This is my HOME dammit. and I can't understand why life just doesn't seem to want to work.

Rip out my heart why dontcha...it might hurt less.

The ties that bind...

I seem to be stuck in a limbo right...and not a cool Jamaican beach party with plenty of fruity rum drinks and Bob Marley and pupu's that make your mouth water. No this is the point where the party has run too long and the rum ran out...and the fruit is going rancid...the shrimp are starting to head back to sea...and if I hear "Limbo Rock" one more time I'm going to throw my slippah at the speakers.

Now I've been doing all the things I can think of to shift my future. Visualizing the future as now. Living like it's already happened. Keeping a Positive Energy flowing into Abundance. Asking my friends to help form a collective positive thrust by sending prayers and good vibes etc etc. I've done meditation and Reiki and Sage'd the house....lit incense and charged crystals and done intention statements. We've put positive changes in place and taken steps to move into a place where abundance can flow.

....And as I do this I watch things get tighter...and tighter. And I try harder...and harder...

I begin to wonder if I've been missing the lesson this whole time. It seems like we get the closest to change when I actively give up hope...so maybe that's it.

Maybe I'm trying to control abundance. EVOKE abundance.

Maybe my lesson right now isn't in positive manifestation but in really letting go of the reins and giving up the driver's seat.

This one isn't about me...

I free the strings....what will happen will happen. Things turn at their own pace and in their own time...

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

I can't trace time...or rein it in. The change will do it's own will when it will and not at my command.

A Year in My Own Words

Thankful for old friends; espcially the ones I didn't know I had at the time.

Loves Mark. My Forever Valentine

Has discovered Lake Hydrogen-Peroxide. It's outside my bathroom door.

Now discovered Lake Elmers...it starts at elmer waterfall...meanders across messy-room-land to become a lake on the 2nd shelf of bookcaseville.

Is marveling at all the new places she is discovering in her house. Today it was Paper Towel Lane.

Just had the best phone conversation. Reconnecting with an old friend.

Is amused by her son's eclectic spelling: He want's "franch frais"

My son is surfing his RC car. Stand on it...balance...balance...woosh...thud..."I'm ok Mommy...I'm ok"

"Never" and "Can't" are fences for your mind. Take them down and live Limitless

"Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here. You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself. "

Weirdness, when stifled, becomes Neurosis. Live Your Eccentricity

Dance Naked in the Rain with Flowers in your Hair

Email Notifications are like little erection daisies popping up in a field of cyber-thoughts.

Houses should come with a "self cleaning" option...like ovens.

Coffee...Chocolate...Wine. I'm adding these food groups to my Nutritional Pyramid

If Life could be expected...then it would only be a memory.

Sometimes you need to live life with nerve endings uncovered by a skin of feeling and exist WITHOUT Filters.

Walk alone at midnight. It frees the soul from bondage

Nothing so beautiful as a full moon over a tropical island

POOL...GRILL...BBQ CHICKEN....CABERNET. Does life GET better than this?

Money doesn't BUY happiness...it just lets you enjoy the HELL out of it.

Adrenaline Rush...haven't been HERE in a while. Too Long.

Popular Vote should not be allowed to write Discrimination into the Law.

No better way to start the week than spending the morning in bed with Mark.

Wishes her finances could be as joyful as her relationship

Some people cannot see past the end of their own agenda

Time to brew up a little magic

Wonders: Is that Pixie Dust in your pocket...or are you just happy to see me

Tryin on her Diva skin. And it feels like Home!

Wave your Magic Wand baby...c'mon and take me there.

Love is a symbiotic emotion...it must continually be co-created to persevere...that's why they call it "making" love.

The mirrors we hold up for others also reflect our own insecurities back at us. Helping another see their truth simply shines the light brighter into our own darkness. Bless the circle of life for we cannot give without receiving.

You can't live who you are until you let go of who you think you should be.

What is the sound-track of your life...what music plays you and calls you it's own. Music is the instrument through which we live our lives...

What is the soundtrack of your life...What songs speak the language of your soul?

The Possibilities are limitless. The only limits in life are the ones we impose upon ourselves

Forks and spoons fresh from the washer...become a bunch of balloons in the hands and mind of a child.

Sit by my side, and let the world slip...

All my left turns in life finally led me right....I'm so glad I can see and appreciate that. I <3 you Mark...Happy Birthday (8/22) Turning 21 again right?

How does one get a 10 yr old to do a writing assignment without doing it for him? "Just take the note-pad and WRITE...even if it sounds stupid...you can take what makes sense but it's the physical ACT of writing that makes things come"

Nothing says GOOD MORNING like watching your neighbor's car go up in flames

Lesson 1: In the war between thumbs and Library doors...The door wins.

Happy Anniversary to the Love of My Life. October 15 2009...15 years together, 12 married and I'm still Madly in Love.

Pedaling madly and falling futher behind. Just can't do this anymore.

and the winds of change begin to blow....

Trying to help my husband memorize lines is similar to him trying to help me comprehend higher mathmatics. Our thinking styles collide and then our brains implode.

I finally understand the joy on my grandmother's face when I would bring home a school project. This stuff is FUN

Restoring Order after chaos.

Wants to Wish the HAPPIEST of Thanksgivings to all friends: Old or New; Near or Far....and all her Family: in Name and in Heart. I am so thankful to have all of you in my life and enriching my life....I would not be who I am without you. May we have many more years of building memories together. Blessings to you all.

And the blessings flow from the sky....and the clouds hug the mountains close and cool the air...and the wind breathes out new life and fresh spirit. Let the cleansing rain fall and wash us new. ~Blessings on a Rainy Thanksgiving~ ...and now to go spend this rainy day preparing food and home in gratitude for all I have been gifted with...

Cheshire Cat Grin

parenting needs to come with vacation pay....and lots of valium...and maybe a fully stocked bar and personal masseuse too.

fighting for every inch of that "Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" feeling.

May all the blessings of the Season be bright upon you. May you be enfolded in the warmth of the love of family and friends. Happy Holidays to All.

*Santa* the real Santa...is the spirit of love and light that fills us all as we bring Joy and Love to those dear to us...but more than that...when our joy and love extends beyond our circle into the hearts of those who have no joy or hope or love. Send your love into the world like a butterfly without any attachment to where it lands or who it touches...it's enough to know it will make the world a little brighter

In Your Own Words

On a board I post on we were asked to describe an orgasm...in our own words. This was the best I could come up with.

Deep in the darkest quiet of my soul there is a stirring...a hum of sound that is not sound...a wave of light, of fire that burns without consuming...the ocean of my soul parts and lets in the wet of you. Lapping, surging, pounding our waters merge into the oneness of desire...where the bonds of flesh slough off and all that is we becomes a torus. A symbol of eternity. Eon moments of unity...of wet...of flame. Until we slowly come back to ourselves. Seperate yet bound on a level of the soul that hums the sound of us as it quietly waits to stir once more.


that's the best I can do to describe the indescribable.

Two Roses

For Tatiana & Huberto on their Wedding Day

Two Roses on a Single Vine

Entwined

Soul Petals Brushing

Soft Love Rain-mist Dampens

like Dew

Melting One into the Other

Entwined they are

Completed

Unified

They Bloom Eternally

and Merge

until

Barriers Disolve

in Love

and they are United

In Time

and

Timeless

Arietta

What can I say. My daughter with a purpose. Conceived while Mark and I were seperated...we got together one time that entire month to give it one last go and BAM...there you were. Wasn't sure how I felt about the whole thing til I started spotting...red...and got scared. Terrified even. Used up the one U/S the ins company allowed us just to see your teeny beating heart.
I knew you were a girl from the beginning...the female energy was so strong...but yet we were never able to have the gender U/S confirming that. You made me listen to my instincts and trust them. That stood me in good stead during labor when I listened to my body instead of fighting it (or wanting things to be different)
From 5:30am on the 26th to 3:45am on the 27th I labored with you. Your birth was so awe inspiring...I got to help deliver you and hold you close right afterwards for as long as I wanted.
My girl...my 6 year old girl. Growing up so fast.
I love you baby girl.

Jude is Moved

That's right...he is now in a new class as of yesterday. He seems much happier and more relaxed. It's a good thing. Even though I am sure he will face some challenges in this class, at least he has friends. That makes all the difference. Nine is way too young to be so stressed.

Poetry ~ Love ~ 10/00

The scent of love lingers in the air

Between our bodies sparks still fly
Damp and glistening we lie apart yet touching
I feel your eyes caressing me
I breathe your breath
And become more a part of you

Your scent lingers with me
It comes back to haunt me
When we are apart
Moisture flows at the thought of you

We burn the air and shift time
Together we create a new reality
I long to be filled with your life
And gift you with creation

The sum of US is greater than eternity

(In honor of Valentines Day)

School Days

Had Julian's parent/teacher conference today. :/ He is doing fine academically and his teacher felt he was doing better socially (he's been the victim of some bullying) Well...he's not really...it's just that the bullying has become more 'covert'. This is so difficult for me. I had issues myself with being 'unpopular' and was hoping he could avoid that particular joy of school. Apparently not. He is, however, WAY more mature about it than I was and much better able to articulate what is going on. I am highly impressed by both his insight and the fact that he can and does talk to us about what is happening. I don't want to fail that trust. Right now the kids are using words as punches rather than physical violence and the 'ringleader' is trying to tell his other friends (at recess) not to play with Julian anymore. He doesn't feel happy or safe at school anymore and this is just not ok.
I cannot let him down. Especially since he has entrusted us with his feelings and vulnerability. It's HARD to say 'this hurts', 'I'm sad', 'I'm scared', 'Help me'. He has so much courage. I'm in awe. My poor boy :(

Such a big boy

My little munchkin decided to use the potty today...lol. We were outside today giving him some 'air time' b/c he had a case of the 'red bottom blues'. Well the first time I asked him about going potty he actually sat down and pee'd. The cutest part was watching him experiment with 'stop/start/stop/start'. Then he went 2 more times...both times he had a wee 'oops' on the ground and then went to the potty and finished up. I was so impressed. Now having had 2 other kids I know that the bladder control is the main challenge...it's much easier to train solid than liquid if you know what I mean so the fact that he is able to exert control over his bladder and knows what it's all about is very impressive. Still not pushing anything but I am so proud of him. Little man is getting bigger every day

Poetry ~ Water Roses ~ ?/2000

Petals Fall Outward
From the Heart of the Rose
As Foam-capped Waves
Caress and Shape the Sand-covered Shores
Moonbeams Dance
Across Endless Expances of Water
As They Multiply in Reflection

Soft as a Rose Petal
My Want Brushes Your Soul
Ephemeral Foam Spirits
Caress and Re-shape Each Other
While Love Illuminates
And Multiplies
In the Refraction of the Waters of Your Heart.

For Julian ~ Eyes of Creation ~ ?/2001

I Remember Expectation
Your First Communication
Bubbles of Hope
Tickling the Inside of my Womb

Bubbles Transform into Branches
Tapping, Poking, Pushing Outward
Against the Seal of Flesh
and Muscle that
Holds the World Away

Time
Skin becomes Rock
and Self Disolves in Timeless Eternity
of Pain/Sleep Pain/Sleep
Eons Passing in Another World

Ripping
The You-Before is Torn Away
At the First Breath of a Miracle

And the Eyes of Creation
Look on you for the First Time.

Yardwork

Spent most of the day outside today...well...to be honest we slept in til like 10/11am simply because Rowan fell back to sleep instead of being 'up for good' at 6:30am. {{believe me though I am NOT complaining...6:30 am is WAAAYYY better than 4:30; which USED to be his wake up time ~ did I mention I am NOT a morning person?}}
But back to the outside. We are finally getting the yard in order again. Yippee. A fenced place for Rowan to run in, as opposed to the carport and front yard where I have to be ever-vigilent of little man's whereabouts so he doesn't head towards the road. {yikes}
I have been feeling like crap all week so it was really nice to feel somewhat better and actually get up and DO something rather than sit in bed feeling like there was a gigantic rubber band slowly being tightened around my forehead. I am not really fond of being ill...can you tell?
Got the Jasmine trimmed back and a chunk taken off the mock-orange. Still need to get down and rip all the Hilahila out (evil week with THORNS! = ouch)
However, we did get the patio power-washed so it's safe for baby feet...yay. Now I can take my laptop and coffee out back in the mornings and enjoy the view :)
I think that's my favorite thing about living here.

Poetry ~ Memories ~ 12/18/90

I look back on summers
long gone
And I remember faces
of those known before
Friends who share a place
in my heart

Sometimes it is good
to look back
To let memories slide
through your mind
Like drops of rain
down a pane of glass

But we must also live
for the moment
Look at each second
as a precious pearl
For this moment really
is all we have

{I will be transferring my poems to my blog with date written where possible...enjoy}

Will you look at that

Apparently Rowan got jealous. He had to prove he could do it too.
This boy has NEVER EVER EVER crashed anywhere.
He falls asleep in my arms rocking or nursing.
Now look at what he did...just cause I posted sleeping pictures of Julian and Arietta.


He had to prove he could do it too.

Art for Sale

So...interestingly enough my artwork...the one thing I DIDN'T take classes in or ever see as a "career"...is selling. I illustrated (and was paid for) a childrens book a friend of mine wrote. It hasn't been published yet but it's on its way there. I think I did some good work here but it was definitely a challenge.

Then a friend of mine just commissioned me to do an art piece for her husband for Valentines Day. As a gift to him. I actually wound up writing a poem as well as designing, drawing and painting this.

I think it turned out pretty nice. :)

It's just bizarre to me to get paid for this...it would be like getting paid to act. I LOVE acting, so much so that I would pay to do it. I love writing poems and gifting them. I love drawing and creating things. SHEESH I even love doing massage and I still have a hard time asking for money for that.

GAH! I need a manager. Someone who can sell and price and negotiate my work FOR me. Oh honey...wanna be my art pimp? ROFL.

WHY is it so hard to put a value on this kind of work. I can calculate how much my time is worth for doing payroll or office management or customer service (even massage...I can figure an hourly rate) But art? Maybe it's because it stems from the heart and soul of who I am. There is a piece of me embedded in there and it's very hard to put a price tag on your soul.

KWIM?

Sleep

Kids can sleep anywhere apparently...like cats. We knew that about my daughter Arietta from the beginning. I mean if you can fall asleep STANDING UP leaning on a rocking chair...well...that speaks for itself, doesn't it?

My oldest boy though, Julian? He never slept...anywhere.
Apparently though that has changed.
He must be taking lessons from the cats.
I mean really...who else but a cat can sleep like this and make it look COMFORTABLE?


I think I need to take lessons.

Mr Rowan got his HAIR CUT

Before...My Long Haired Imp

After...He's All Grown Up...sniff



Still pretty cute though...eh?

Oh Boy...it's been a while

Um...oops. I've been a bit lax...sigh. ok. Catch up time. Let's see...

I started working part time (yay money but boo time away from family) I'm back doing box office for South Pacific Dinner Theatre (my friend is the producer) and I'm now doing reservations as well. That keeps me a bit busy though so I've been lax at writing.


My New Years was good...Rowan enjoyed toasting everyone.

He was tickled pink to have a glass just his size :)

Arietta has now lost TWO teeth (within days of each other) My little girl is getting all grown up.

Julian is still having some trouble with school. We need to meet with his teacher/councellor to help him not fall into a 'victim' pattern.

I started in on a fitness challenege with the board I post on. It's keeping me on track with exercising...I need the accoutability and this holds me to it and keeps me motivated.

Money is still an issue but we are seeing SOME changes (I hate change...lol) so we shall see what 08 brings.

Resolution-wise? Um. Health, Prosperity, Growth, Love, Laughter, Passion, Understanding, Patience...FUN!!!! That is where I want to be and where I want our family to be. In a space of allowing abundance in...builing foundations so we can fly...finding stability and routine to underpin and support our impulsivity.

BALANCE

It's all a process, right?

Twas the Night Before

... And the presents were nestled all under the tree
whilst children slept lightly waiting to see

So lift up a glass and we'll toast to Yule cheer
We don't have to be close for our hearts to be near.
Happy Holidays Everyone

Interpretations

Someone posed an interesting question today on a board I frequent. Basically bringing up the commandments "Thou shalt not kill" and lying and looking for peoples opinions. You see her husband is a soldier and they were discussing whether God would consider killing to save others or killing in self defense to still be breaking that commandment. OR would god be upset that he lied if telling the truth would cause thousands to die. She wanted opinions on whether or not we thought that God would ever be 'ok' with someone breaking a commandment.
I don't think she wants my opinion.
Honestly, I'm sorry, but there is no room for interpretation here. If you follow this religion then the commandment clearly states "Thou Shalt Not Kill"; not "thou shalt not kill...UNLESS". These laws (or commandments) were not in the least ambiguous. You cannot change this...lol...it's 'set in stone'...literally. The thing is that if you choose to break a commandment then you need to work out the ramifications of that with your god. It's a personal thing. You need to make your own peace with it and no one else can do it for you.
It seems to me sometimes that people want someone else to tell them that "it's ok" and pat them on the head. A super-mommy figure to take the responsibility away from them.
Well...life doesn't work that way.
We are each responsible for the choices that we make and all the ramifications of those choices...ignorance and justifications aside...it's still our actions and our responsibility. To throw another analogy in there; no one can 'lift the cross' of accountability from your shoulders.
Think of what a wonderful world it would be if everyone sat back and realized that it doesn't MATTER what your orders are...it doesn't COUNT that someone else said "it's ok"...that NONE of that absolves you from the full 100% accountability for all the consequenses of the actions you choose to take. Ignorance doesn't absolve responsibility.
My choice = my action = my responsibility. Live with it or make a different choice, but don't ever think that someone else can take that burden from you.

Giving

Sometimes I wonder if people really think about WHY we give gifts. Especially at this time of year. There was a post on one board I frequent where someone wanted to know what to get for 2 people coming to her house. Apparently she "doesn't like" the things they are interested in and didn't want to get a gift card for them because they would buy "nonsense".
Since when did shopping for someone become more about the giver than the recipient?
Since when did choosing a gift bestow upon one the right to be judgemental about another's likes?
I always thought that the point of giving a gift was to make someone ELSE happy. Of course you get something out of it too...you get that wonderful feeling of seeing their face light up because you found something perfect for them.
When did 'obligation' giving or 'one-up-manship' giving become the norm? Giving to look like the better person.
If that is your only reason to shop for this person then, in my opinion, don't bother! You have lost the purpose...the definition of "gift".
I try to teach my children to give from the heart. To take this opportunity to put another's likes and wants before their own and to really see how well they know the person. It's not about the cost of the gift but the thought behind it. THAT is the weight by which a gift should be measured.
Now I don't mean the trite 'it's the thought that counts' excuse for picking whatever. I mean that it's the amount of thought that goes into picking something "just right" for that person.
Thoughtful giving.
Thinking of others.
Letting go of our ego and our need to be better or nicer.
Taking 'ourselves' out of the equation and truely thinking about others.
Giving
Gift
We gain so much more when we GIFT of our time and hearts and thoughts.
The true purpose of the season...at least for me.

Announcement

Arietta has her first loose tooth. My baby girl is growing up (sniff).
She is soooo excited :)

Words of Wisdom

Sometimes in the midst of life I come up with a rare gem. Some word of wisdom offered up to another in the moment that is something I would do well to remember for myself. Going to try find some of those gifts of insight in my back communications and centralize them here. This entry will be in flux for a while as I add things...feel free to skip/skim/or revisit.

You create who you are by your own self image; love yourself enough to create someone beautiful.
Those who live in toddler houses shouldn't have glass balls
Make others treat you with the respect you deserve.
You are drawn to teach what you need to learn...and are usually good at it.
Don't dimish the complement. Accept it, and know that it is true.
The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to accept complements without quantifying them
Don't let anyone put you down by not allowing you to validate yourself
Those who love you raise you to greater heights...that is the point of loving someone
If you see yourself as attractive then you become attractive no matter your body type...a lot of being attractive is attitude.
Crying is good in measured doses. It washes the windows of the soul so you can see clearly again.

Words and Signs

Ok I am trying to compile a list of all the words and signs that Rowan knows right at this moment:

Words:

Mama
Dada or DAD
Joo-e-en or JOOD (Julian)
Ah-eh-ah (Arietta)
O-an (Rowan)
Muck (milk or any liquid in a cup)
Out (with his own sign)
Help
shoe
bubble
hand
nose
noonul (noodle)
Taaaah oo (Thank you...with sign)
ssp ssp ssp ( kitty)
arararar (Honopu - 0ur dog)
dog
No No No (of course)
fish (with sign)
book (with sign)
sleep (with sign)
Up
dat (that)
Hot
ow (signs 'hurt')
brooon (balloon)
behBE (baby)
Duh (duck)
Sit
boo (like peek a boo)
bobble (bottle)

Signs:

Nurse
Bird
Bath
more
water
eat
change (as in diaper)
rain (sometimes)
please

O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum

We got our TREEeee!!!
I am so excited...can you tell? LOL
Its just not the Holidays until I get the smell of a real pine tree in my house.
We got a 6/7 ft Noble Pine and it is soooo pretty. Now all I want to do is get some cider cooking and carols playing and DECORATE. Of course it's like 11:30 at night and I have no cider to mull and can't play carols with the kids asleep...but...
It's the thought.
I think tomorrow I'll put some chai on the stove and christmas songs on the radio and straighten up and decorate. Trim my tree with lights and ornaments and enjoy the sights and smells that mean "holiday season" to me.
O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
How lovely are thy Branches.

Whoops

Bit of a mommy goof. Um. I went to log the 2 new teeth that Rowan has (he's been teething and cut a molar on the 2nd and an eye tooth last night).
Well...
When I went to record it all in the baby book I realized that I never recorded when tooth number 8 broke through.
um...
ooops.
Good thing I post on my mommy board...lol.
Was able to track down a post I made about it.
September 3rd.
geeez who knew the 3rd child would mean my brain stopped working.

Advice to Remember

I think I have high expectations of my children and high expectations of myself as a parent...sometimes too high. Sometimes I have to step back and realize that I have to parent as WHO I AM and not as who someone else is. I'll be the best for my kids if I am the truest to myself. I may not have a house that is in order and picture perfect all the time (or ever! lol) I may not be able to do the marvelous recipes, or be crafty and creative, or take my kids on outings all the time, or organize our time so we do alphabets and learning etc etc. I see another parent do that and sometimes I think that my kids would be better off "if only I could..." What I try to keep reminding myself of is the fact that no one can do everything or be everything and I need to be happy with who I am and how *I* relate to them. WHen I am in that space and can forgive myself and let go of the need to be "perfect" then I am happier and the behavior doesn't seem like an attack...I'm better able to handle it b/c *I* am not disappointed in myself and therefor I don't think my kids are disappointed in me. It's REALLY REALLY HARD and I'm no where near there all the time but I am doing better.

Cats

I turned to look in my lower livingroom and saw this:


Cats will cuddle anything with a lap.

Growing up.

My little one is getting so big now. He wants to do everything all on his own. The other week he ran himself a bath. Seriously. I told him 'just a minute' and then was startled to hear water running in the bathroom. Apparently he climbed into the tub with the bubble bath, put the plug in the drain, and turned on the cold water (cold water tap is loose...hot is NOT). When I got there he was holding the bubble container under the running water trying to figure out why there were no bubbles.
The other day he put on an oven mitt and stood at the stove door saying "help?"
His vocabulary is expanding too. I love the word explosion. It is my favorite time :)
Can we slow it all down though...it's going too fast.

Metamorphosis

I am turning into my grandmother. Seriously. Ok, not COMPLETELY seriously but you know. I'm finding that when I keep my house in order my inner "gram" comes out. This is not necessarily a 'bad' thing either. My gram raised me because my mom worked full time and she was a pretty wonderful lady, lemme tell ya. I was awfully lucky to have that in my life. She instilled in me a love of learning that nothing could take away. Even during my 'I don't care' years of school I STILL learned all on my own about things that interested me. Learning HOW to learn is a pretty amazing gift.
I digress. What I mean by 'turning into my gram' is I am suddenly, out of the blue, baking. Cooking. Me. Not from a box either. I've roasted chicken and turkey; made homemade pie crust. This past weekend I baked gingerbread cookies...from scratch. Today I made homemade macaroni and cheese...with a roux even (not that I know what a 'roux' IS...but I made one). I have all my Christmas cards done. Handwritten using calligraphy even. I'm climbing on ladders putting up decorations. I'm BAKING (yes I know I said that but it's a biggie)
The neat thing about all this is that I am really having fun doing it. I quite enjoy doing special 'homey' things for the kiddos. All this purging and releasing of "stuff" is making me a better parent, I think. It's definitely a step in the right direction...now I need to work on that "one foot in front of the other" thing and I'll be golden :D

Ow

All of the cleaning and sorting and whatnot has kicked up a huge amount of dust and now I have a sore throat. Ow. sniff.
I'm having a Hot Toddy of lemon honey and brandy in hot water. Yum. Honey-Lemon Throat drop with a 'kick'.
Now let the baby fall asleep so I can go to bed!

Emerging from Chaos

So

We finally closed the Hanalei Payroll office and now have the business running out of our house. This has been a long time coming and I'm glad it's finally here. Paying two rents out here when things have gotten SOOoooo expensive just isn't feasible. So. Ok. The office closed this past weekend. This is good.

What is not good is that I now have all the contents of said office IN MY HOUSE. It would be one thing if it was all organized and necessary. Sadly though we inherited the office from the pack-rat recycler. Mark threw out a gazillion bags of garbage and we STILL had an insane amount show up.

Now mind you, my house was in chaos to begin with. I had just gotten a handle on laundry and my bedroom when this all walked through the door Fri and Sat. Sigh. To top it all off Mark separated a rib on Sat throwing the old copier away so that kinda limits how helpful he can be.

Well I am proud to announce that I have gotten a handle on the chaos and have done some major purging at the same time. I went through my books and thinned out a good 3 boxes worth. We went through old VHS tapes and filled another box with those. All of Rowan's baby toys are gone and so are a bunch of old baby clothes. We also tossed about 3 bags of garbage and earmarked another 2 boxes for give-away. I wanna know where it was all hiding!

My upper living-room got reorganized and decorated for the Holidays. My lower living-room is sorted and organized and I am working on the crafting/art area right now. There is just no real storage out here and we NEED to just get rid of the things in our life that no longer serve us. If we are a slave to our possessions we can hide behind them and miss out on living. I'm tired of hiding. My new cleaning Mantra is Use, Need, Place.
Can I Use it?
Do I Need it?
Does it have a Place?
It must meet those criteria to stay.

Tis the season of letting go.