Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Dance with the Devil

     Yesterday was a bit shadowy for me.    My inner demons decided it would be a good day to come out and play with me.
     You know what I'm talking about.   Those things that hide in the shadowy corners of your memories.   We all have them.   Granted I was a bit of an idiot and invoked mine.    How to explain this?   Well...I was doing a bit of mental role-play involving 'what if'.   As in "What if I had met my husband back when I was, oh, 16 or 17...or even 18?"  
      (Now to really get this you need to understand some background here.   In brief: I was a bit suicidal when I was 14 or so, flirted briefly with cutting...basically I tried it and found that I liked it a bit too much, and that it didn't hurt, that in itself scared me enough to not continue.   At 16 my Gram,  was diagnosed with cancer...we moved over 40 miles away to the other side of the state..and I helped care for her in a hospice kind of way until she went into the hospital to die.    She passed away right after I turned 17, right before the start of my senior year.)
    Not to say that I wasn't still screwed up when I met Mark at 23  (actually I was probably a bit worse, since I had finally gone through my own private self-destruction) but he's always been my stabilizer,  in a cliche way he's my knight in shining armor...or...leather actually.   But you get the drift.   So what if I had met him before I imploded?  
     Interesting little mind-play, with some rather unintended consequences.  See, I'm an actor.   So when I take on a role I live it and breathe it and it takes me over.   Apparently mental role-playing can do the same thing.    Hence the demons.
      Dancing in a masquerade ball with my inner demons.   Not the most enjoyable way to spend time...but it fed my creativity in unexpected ways.    In some way, I think I needed to invoke the darkness again, if only to see the flames of my soul in brighter contrast.    For a while the demons fed on me...and then I remembered to dance.   To grab hold of the rending claws fearlessly, careless of the wounds, and DANCE. Whirl to the dark music in my soul.  
    Once you learn to dance with your darkness, it feeds you rather than feeding on you.

The shadows are a part of the light, a part of life.   We can let them feed on us, or we can embrace them.   Whirl in the feral longings of our primal soul's music.   And Dance.

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