Tuesday, January 5, 2010

...all tumbling down...

...and the castles built in stone reveal themselves as merely sand
and crumble to the touch
...and the dream we had we thought were gold
tarnish now and rust

...and the hopes we placed in plans we made
have withered on the vine
...and we stand alone and watch the waves
wash clean our foolish pride.

When it stops serving you it's time to let it all go.

That's the place I'm sitting in right now. Did a lot of railing against fate and life and stuff earlier...but you can only sit in despair for so long before it starts getting boring. Really...

I mean I'm sure I'll be doing that a lot more over the next bit of time ...but for now...I sit.

Mark is no longer selling timeshare...not that he sold one...which was the problem. sigh. Of course only getting 15 total tours didn't help the odds any. So now that leaves us...well...kind of in a difficult space. Right now it's feeling like Kauai no longer wants us here...we've worked hard the past 10 years and haven't gotten anywhere stable out here...and I don't need concrete stability...but a balance on the surfboard would be nice. Just one breaker after another keeps rolling us under though.

It's time to fold...time to cut bowstrings...

Unless something real comes to us in the next week or so we make plans to move...
{{it hurts my heart to say that}}
we pack up all our cares and woes and Bye Bye Blackbird man. But I can't do this anymore. I can't put my kids through this anymore. I can live frugal but I can't live on nothing.

Part of me is going to be left behind on this rock if we have to leave though...she holds my heart so.

Right now we are pulling in...regrouping...trying to find our center. But still...I look around the house and try to find the things I can't..no... won't live without. There is very little I need really.

I'm still in a sort of a shock. This is my HOME dammit. and I can't understand why life just doesn't seem to want to work.

Rip out my heart why dontcha...it might hurt less.


Kathryn said...

That made me cry. I am in PRECISELY the same spot and the only thing I can imagine being harder than MY spot is probably being in YOURS. Because of the location. I am sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry for what I am going through. I am sorry for what SO many people are going through. There are so many parts of "growing up" that I just plain don't like, my love. I am moving from 7 rooms to 2. I am trying to wrap my mind around leaving the life I've known, despite the love it lacked, for the last 16 some odd years and it IS tough to do the giving away of things, the throwing away of things and many times to have to do that behind one, small back so that her 5 year old mind doesn't see a certain something and begin to cry that it's "hers" and that she "needs" to bring it to our new place. It's funny how things can change in the blink of an eye. Benjamin Button, yes indeed, and a thank you goes to F. Scott Fitzgerald for we certainly do not ever know what life will throw at us nor do we know which left turn may determine the fate of our next move but in the end you DO have to let go. And I know you can it just hurts me that you are hurting.

Although I DO also secretly hope that you will wind up being geographically closer. Perhaps a silver lining?

Mitzi said...

I'm so sorry. I haven't lived in any one place long enough and with enough care to call it my home. But by thinking about how much I WANT that feeling, I can't imagine giving it up.

I hope you find a glimmer of hope and that somehow, you find what you want.