Feathers & Dreams

In Between the Dark and the Light.

2011-08-07T17:56:00.003-10:00

"The brightest lights shine best out of the darkness...sometimes I wonder if we don't create the dark in order to bring out the light and give it it's proper setting"

This was my status on facebook the other day. It's kind of a personal and global rumination I've been having. I was thinking about how most of my poetry has come out of a very dark place...almost as if it needed the darkness to be born.
It seems like a lot of art comes out of suffering. I began to wonder if those who are creative make or invite in their own darkness in order to kindle the light.
Then I began to think globally, about how the greatest 'lights' of the world are always set against the darkest times...and I wonder if humanity doesn't sometimes create the darkness to set off the light. OR because we need the light and we won't find it unless it contrasts with the dark.

How much does the darkness call forth the light in our souls...and how much do we crave the darkness in order to better see the light?

All The Things I Thought I'd Figured Out...

2010-07-30T17:51:00.000-10:00

My dear, darling, friend Elizabeth thinks I need to teach.

Yes...Me

Yes...Teach

And not just teach anything (although she'd be very happy with that)...but specifically acting (although Shakespeare WAS mentioned as well).

There is a problem with this...the problem being I want to BE acting not TEACH acting.

"Well...why not coach then?"

Um....hmmm...

"You could coach people in memorization...and cold readings....and auditions"

Um...well...

OKAY........ the thing is..... I could DO that!
I could totally see myself doing something like that.
But how in the hell do you actually get STARTED???   How do you ADVERTIZE something like this and what the heck do you CHARGE?????

I know how I memorize...I know how to help most people memorize...I know the tricks and the follow-through to anylizing a script.
I know how to cold-read.   I am (if I do say so myself) really good at cold readings (ask my directors).    I know how I got that way, and while some of it is finding that magic moment...a LOT of it is technique.    It's learning how to read a scene and make instant choices...learning how to make the lines on a page come alive and about not being afraid to be bold.
I know how to prep an audition piece.   I can help someone narrow choices down to one or 2 good contrasting monologues...help them memorize them...help them prep them for performance.

These are things I enjoy doing....for myself and for others.

Now....NOW comes the rub...how do I market something I love?

Don't Stop Believing...

2010-07-29T18:30:00.000-10:00

I sit here, having just entered the final year of my 30's, and I wonder.

I wonder where I'm going...and where the time went.
I wonder how I got here...and why I'm not where I thought I'd be
Where did the dreams go?   and the ambition?
and the me I always thought I'd be
Where is she?

The journey has been a rough one at times...and I think a lot of that is my own doing.    The beginning of my new year seems like the proper time to make the changes happen.   To put into place the things that will help me become the person I expect of myself.

Instead of being unhappy with the changes time creates in what I see...I need to take action to create the changes I WANT to see.    I'm exercising again...and enlisting my daughter as personal terrier...she gets to badger me (one of her strengths) about doing one of my numerous workout DVD's daily.    I'm also walking more...which helps a lot too.

Instead of feeling like I'm falling behind and failing myself...I need to create a system to stay on track and on top of things.    The next available cash we have goes into getting me a calendar and a financial planning book.

At least I'm back rehearsing for shows...that part feels right.

Now to get the rest of me tuned up and in gear...to hold on to that feeling of LIVING rather than marking time...and to keep on believing...in me.

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jog

2010-07-16T17:14:00.000-10:00

Sometimes home is a place you need to go back to to remind yourself of why you left in the first place.

Had a bit of that this past weekend.   We travelled back to Philly for a surprise party for Mark's aunt.   WE got to be the surprise. :)   The party was wonderful...the way peoples faces lit up when they saw Mark again and FINALLY got to meet Arietta and Rowan (yes we HAVE been gone *that* long.) was priceless.   The food wasn't the healthiest but hey...it's a party...for a large Italian Family...you kinda expect that.

Then Sunday was brilliant.   Went to see Mary Ellen again...one of my dearest friends and ex-sister-in-law.   Was just like we had never been apart.    Mark's sister came with us and his Mom and Stan joined us.   Stan even played with the kids (croquet of all things) and they had a blast.   Then Mommy-Lynn and Stan took us all to Friendly's for Ice Cream/Dinner and then home to watch a Movie.

I kept thinking to myself that I wouldn't mind moving back towards Philly to be back with all this again.

Then MONDAY...again brilliant.   Hung out with old friends of Mark who are new friends of mine...Jewels in the morning and Jon in the afternoon and their respective children.   AND we got to have an old friend of both of ours Rommy hang out in the afternoon too.   Was just wonderful.

The we were off to dinner at Bibi's...

...
...
... and then it hit me.

The gender-role stereotyping at dinner (women-folk feed their children while the men sit and talk)

The lack of food diversity (meat, potato, gravy, stuffing, and one salad with *a* cucumber, *a* tomato, *a* cut carrot and iceberg lettuce)   I think MY children devoured 9/10ths of the cucumber, tomato and carrot too.     The laizze-faire discipline at dinner...let's have the TV ON in the other room while the kids refuse to eat or stay sitting and then reward them with ice cream (mind you I was VERY proud of my 3 who STAYED AT THE TABLE and ATE while this was going on...even the 4 yr old)

All of this I could handle though...it's not like we would LIVE there and I know Mark will be attentive and not allow them to subtly shunt him into a gender-biased role.

But then it hit me square across the face....out of the mouth of one of the older male relatives came something that made my jaw hit the floor and my brain sieze up.     I was literally floored.    I had thought that racist derogatory terms for someone whose skin happens to have a different hue were a thing of the past (or of isolated pockets of KKK-ville)   But no...apparently people still use language like that to describe (his words) "those people"

Well let me tell you something Uncle-Racist.   I won't have *MY* children around THOSE People...and by that I mean YOU.     I will not condone such appalling bigotry by remaining in the same house or allowing my children to do so.

PEOPLE are PEOPLE regardless of hue
But I won't have my children round people like YOU
People who judge by the color of skin
are not people whose company I choose to be in

A very sharp reminder for Mark and I that living a ten hour drive from family might not be such a bad idea after-all.

The Play's the Thing...

2010-07-16T16:49:00.000-10:00

     and apparently it's my "thing" again.

I'm finding my "home" again.   Behind the footlights.   Trying on someone elses skin to see how it fits and feels and how well I can create their reality so that you, the audience, feel it too.    I'm making myself at home here in Cincy.

Went to audition for the 2010/11 season at the Westwood Community Theatre (The Drama Workshop) for 2 of the 3 plays.   On Golden Pond and Enchanted April.   My goal was to make them remember me...I don't expect to get cast right off the bat but dammit I KNOW I can cold-read with the best of them and I expect to make an impression.   Well...I apparently did.   I've been cast.   In both.   AND the director of Enchanted April asked if I would like to audition for a play she is directing for the Footlighters (another group) Blithe Spirit.

Um...wow.   Apparently I made one HECK of an impression.

It's good to be back.

Cincinnati WKRP

2010-07-06T17:58:00.004-10:00

"But maybe think of me once in a while"

     Growing up I never thought I would live in the land of "WKRP in Cincinnati".    (and yes I realize I may be dating myself by remembering that show.)

     But we are here...safely ensconced in the eastern portion of the central mid-western U-nited States of America.
Home of the Reds and the Bengals and some pretty damn good music.

Honestly we gave Kauai a pretty good run.   I wouldn't trade our time there for anything.   I was talking today with some close friends from our time on the 'Island'.   My friend Julian asked how I was enjoying driving without leaning to the right or left (for those not in the know...the road on Kauai is one big U (you can't even drive in circles.)    It kinda left me thinking about how Kauai is like a mobius strip...no matter where you go, there you are, staring deeply into your own eyes.    There is only so long that you can stare into your soul before you become neurotic.    I speak from experience.

When you come to the island things are wonderful at first...you get 6-9 months to acclimate before everything you ever avoided in life comes barreling at you head first.   And on an island the size of a postage stamp with the energy impact of a large vortex...you escape NOTHING!!!    Turn from the problem and you turn to face it.   Turn again and it's right in front of you.   It stares deeply into your eyes as you feel its breath on the back of your neck.   You either face your demons or they consume you.

After a while though, you do finally come to a space of peace...and that is the point where the island either keeps you or tells you it's time to move on.   Basically...if Kauai is a paradise and you can afford to enjoy all she has to offer...stay.   Otherwise GO!!!! NOW!!!   because if you don't leave then you spend a bit of time in hell.

Don't believe me?   Let me elaborate.   Think of the paradise of Hawaii...the sun, the sand, the beauty...
Now think of being unable to afford to drive your car DOWN the hill to the beach on a hot day because it's a choice between gassing the car up and feeding your child.     Believe me I've lived that and it is hell.

I've found that it's time to tear my eyes away from inward contemplation and begin to see again the things that exist on the horizon.   To scan out potential and future and life.    To LIVE again instead of examining the minutia of my soul.

It's all worthy work...but sometimes...

you need to know when to fold them.

....please stand by

2010-07-05T19:13:00.000-10:00

I feel a bit like I've been in a holding pattern during the move...and so focused on getting OUT of Hawaii and INTO Ohio that I kinda lost the thread of my writing.

I think I need to jump back in.

I may be stuttery for a bit...and stumble over some words and thoughts...but I'll get back here.

It's a new day dawning afterall.

A little Epiphany

2010-01-28T23:03:00.000-10:00

I love reading things that make me ponder.

It feels good to churn ideas over and over in my brain...debating the different aspects with myself, thinking it through from different angles...different perspectives.   That's right.   Make me WORK for it.     Which is exactly what my friend Melanie did for me in her blog the other day.    She brought up some points about balancing the unconditionality of Love while staying true to oneself.    Made me think.   So...I probably have her to thank for my little epiphany the other day.

See we were talking...Mark and I about moving to Kauai 10 years ago. And about what we'd do differently if we ever move back. There have been a lot of regrets associated with that.   A lot of things we gave up...compromised...felt we should have done differently.   A lot of blame and resentment kind of burbling below the surface...waiting.

A friend of mine, Elinor, from my parenting board just moved to Ohio from Hawaii a year ago.   We were talking some and she likened living in Hawaii to being in an abusive relationship...you know...you love it/him/her soooo much....it just HAS to work....if I just do THIS it will work...I know it didn't work before but NOW...NOW it WILL.   Until you are so beaten down that you finally admit that it just can't work...and then getting out...is almost as much of a struggle as staying.

As all of this was churning in the miasma of my thoughts a realization suddenly surfaced out of the murk and confusion. One of those moments where you just....Stop...and breathe....and say..."Ah yes. Now I understand."

I came to the realization that during our move to Kauai...even though we moved because we love her so...we compromised who we are...in essence...to come here. We did not come here on ethically sound terms...and that does something on a karmic or soul level that destabilizes the whole foundation.

It was in that moment that I saw it. I understood the truth that had been pecking at my mind every since I had read Melanie's blog. That you can love someone or something unconditionally...but real love doesn't mean compromising what makes you WHO YOU ARE....the limits and boundaries that create YOU. You can go through changes...what you LOVE can change...and you will still love it BUT you don't sacrifice what makes you uniquely YOU for love.

Real love does not diminish...real love does not subtract.   It does not ask you to take away from yourself.   It doesn't ask you not to be loving to yourself. The Love can be unconditional and unchanging but the act of loving needs to be performed in a way that does not take away from who you are.

Now that doesn't mean you don't sacrifice for love.   People would give up their lives for their children and that in no way contradicts this...your life is not your essence...there is a part of you that should be inviolable and when you compromise THAT....that's when the love no longer serves you.

This is true for a move...a job...and the love of your life.

True Love...Always...Adds.

At a Loss for Words

2010-01-20T22:29:00.000-10:00

It's not often that you'll find me without a suitable retort.

After all my years of Improv and Playback I'm pretty quick on the verbal draw...so to speak. So it definitely bears noting when I get left at a loss for words...not once...but TWICE.

In One Day

And both times involved my role in the Vagina Monologues.

(a little background for those not in the know: my Monologue is called "The Woman Who Liked To Make Vaginas Happy"   and my character is a sex worker...a Dominatrix...who specializes in doing sex work with Women)

So this afternoon, after I finish working some blocking, my daughter (she's almost 8) looks at me and asks:
"So...what's YOUR part Mommy?"   "Who do YOU play?"

(pause) ...um...(pause)...well...(pause)...Mark you wanna help me out here?

{{How do you explain a Dominatrix to an 8 year old?}}

I...um...am a woman who helps other women find power through their sexuality.

{{DUDE!!! that was quite the challenge}}

Ok so then I'm at rehearsal. Our newest cast member is 17 (she'll turn 18 opening night) and she is there with her mother (who is in the Ensemble) and her younger sister.    Soooo..... I get up to get things set up for my piece.   I'm wearing a black silk camisole top edged with lace and 3 inch heel black Fuck-Me pumps and carrying my prop.   A black leather split tip riding crop.

The girl looks at me and in the sweetest most innocent voice asks: "Is that a fly-swatter?"

um...

blink

uh...No.....

Mom mentions that her daughter is very innocent.

I was like..."um...not after THIS piece she won't be"

TWICE in ONE DAY!   Who woulda thunk it?

And the Exodus begins...

2010-01-18T12:37:00.000-10:00

The wheels are starting to turn and things are being set in motion.

We have 2 checks to start a *moving expenses* bank account.   My kitchen dinette set has been passed on to the same person who gave us the 2nd car.   My massage chair has been sold.    My friends are probably going to buy our outdoor table/chair set.

Things are starting to leave...starting to move on.   The exodus is beginning...and I'm ok with it.

I sat down the other week and changed my thinking...instead of saying we *have* to leave Kauai...I have made it a choice.   We CHOOSE to leave...because we do not choose to stay under these circumstances.    I can't always control events but I AM in charge of how I react to them.

There is a lot more inner peace that way.

I am the captain of my destiny.

Roll the Bones.

2010-01-16T22:55:00.000-10:00

My control demon must be having a field day with me....it's like everything that can possibly be left to chance is being thrown into the air like a pair of dice in a craps game.

Roll the bones babe...

And the kicker?   I don't CARE about it being all up in the air except for the kids sake.   I'd like to have some idea of where we land so they aren't tossed about like dice on a casino table.

If it was just Mark and I ...heck...roll it baby and lets see what comes up.   Ride into the sunset and let each day bring what it will bring.   I don't want to do that to them thought.   the move is hard enough.

Had to tell them we are looking to rehome the cats the other day.   Julian took it very hard.   Georgie is his twin...they are the same age and they have been together as long as he can remember.   Man that ripped out my heart.   Jude asks for so little in life...I want to give him his kitty.

We're looking to sell the payroll company though so maybe that will come through.   If we can get enough from that to cover moving expenses then life is golden.   It's amazing how calm I am in the midst of having no clue what comes next.   That's a good thing....I think.

Roll dem bones bay-bee....

Valentine's Day 2009

2010-01-15T23:19:00.003-10:00

My heart lies sheltered
in the cradle of your soul

I can be more than I dreamed
through the gift of your love

Entwined with you I touch eternity
and soar.

Entwined with you I am whole
completed
one.

Swimming in a Sea of Molassas

2010-01-15T15:26:00.000-10:00

I don't feel like I'm completely buried in Limbo anymore, but I do keep running into mini-limbos.   We've applied for food assistance and of course that can't start until we have Mark's paystubs for Jan.   Now that SHOULDN'T be a problem, right? He had the one from last week arrive in the mail.   Then he went in today (Friday) to pick up his other stub.   The plan was to head over to the state office from his old work and drop that off and then the money should be available so we could shop this weekend.

Well....scratch that.   The office is closed today b/c of the "furloughs"...the same furloughs that have my kids home from school today creating chaos in my house.   They are also closed on Monday for the holiday so it looks like we won't see that until Tuesday at the earliest.

We're waiting on finalization on where we are going to land. I completely understand and approve of the delay but I'm kinda in limbo (not really HERE but not really THERE) until that goes through.    We should also know that next week.

I have a buyer for my massage chair (maybe) but that's not til monday.

It's forward motion...but it feels like I'm swimming through molasses.

Be careful what you wish for...

2010-01-09T09:00:00.000-10:00

...because the reality might not look anything like what you expected.

We wanted to set down some roots and be able to own a house.    We wanted to invite in abundance but not abuse it.   To live within boundaries financially.   To give the kids experiences rather than money/things.   We wanted to travel and be able to visit everyone.

Well...moving is sure as heck going to give the kids experiences...especially since we want to take some time to travel with them...see the country and our friends on the way to our new space.

be very careful about what you ask.

I've got two possibilities open to me right now...well I actually have way more than two but I have two definite places with a landing spot at the other end that will give us breathing room.    Now I need to look at the practical aspects of those...

Are there jobs there...can we make our goals a reality?   What's going to be the best space for the kids.

I've also got to figure out how to do any of this with the animals.   Doing the research, it's going to cost more to ship THEM than to fly US!?!   Unreal.   Just unreal.    I may have to face leaving some of them behind and I'm not sure how to handle that.

The Limbo is over...the beach is swept clean...and it's time to walk the path and see what we'll find over the mountains...and across the sea.

...all tumbling down...

2010-01-05T22:55:00.005-10:00

...and the castles built in stone reveal themselves as merely sand
and crumble to the touch
...and the dream we had we thought were gold
tarnish now and rust

...and the hopes we placed in plans we made
have withered on the vine
...and we stand alone and watch the waves
wash clean our foolish pride.

When it stops serving you it's time to let it all go.

That's the place I'm sitting in right now. Did a lot of railing against fate and life and stuff earlier...but you can only sit in despair for so long before it starts getting boring. Really...

I mean I'm sure I'll be doing that a lot more over the next bit of time ...but for now...I sit.

Mark is no longer selling timeshare...not that he sold one...which was the problem. sigh. Of course only getting 15 total tours didn't help the odds any. So now that leaves us...well...kind of in a difficult space. Right now it's feeling like Kauai no longer wants us here...we've worked hard the past 10 years and haven't gotten anywhere stable out here...and I don't need concrete stability...but a balance on the surfboard would be nice. Just one breaker after another keeps rolling us under though.

It's time to fold...time to cut bowstrings...

Unless something real comes to us in the next week or so we make plans to move...

we pack up all our cares and woes and Bye Bye Blackbird man. But I can't do this anymore. I can't put my kids through this anymore. I can live frugal but I can't live on nothing.

Part of me is going to be left behind on this rock if we have to leave though...she holds my heart so.

Right now we are pulling in...regrouping...trying to find our center. But still...I look around the house and try to find the things I can't..no... won't live without. There is very little I need really.

I'm still in a sort of a shock. This is my HOME dammit. and I can't understand why life just doesn't seem to want to work.

Rip out my heart why dontcha...it might hurt less.

The ties that bind...

2010-01-04T20:34:00.003-10:00

I seem to be stuck in a limbo right...and not a cool Jamaican beach party with plenty of fruity rum drinks and Bob Marley and pupu's that make your mouth water. No this is the point where the party has run too long and the rum ran out...and the fruit is going rancid...the shrimp are starting to head back to sea...and if I hear "Limbo Rock" one more time I'm going to throw my slippah at the speakers.

Now I've been doing all the things I can think of to shift my future. Visualizing the future as now. Living like it's already happened. Keeping a Positive Energy flowing into Abundance. Asking my friends to help form a collective positive thrust by sending prayers and good vibes etc etc. I've done meditation and Reiki and Sage'd the house....lit incense and charged crystals and done intention statements. We've put positive changes in place and taken steps to move into a place where abundance can flow.

....And as I do this I watch things get tighter...and tighter. And I try harder...and harder...

I begin to wonder if I've been missing the lesson this whole time. It seems like we get the closest to change when I actively give up hope...so maybe that's it.

Maybe I'm trying to control abundance. EVOKE abundance.

Maybe my lesson right now isn't in positive manifestation but in really letting go of the reins and giving up the driver's seat.

This one isn't about me...

I free the strings....what will happen will happen. Things turn at their own pace and in their own time...

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

I can't trace time...or rein it in. The change will do it's own will when it will and not at my command.

A Year in My Own Words

2009-12-27T21:48:00.002-10:00

Thankful for old friends; espcially the ones I didn't know I had at the time.

Loves Mark. My Forever Valentine

Has discovered Lake Hydrogen-Peroxide. It's outside my bathroom door.

Now discovered Lake Elmers...it starts at elmer waterfall...meanders across messy-room-land to become a lake on the 2nd shelf of bookcaseville.

Is marveling at all the new places she is discovering in her house. Today it was Paper Towel Lane.

Just had the best phone conversation. Reconnecting with an old friend.

Is amused by her son's eclectic spelling: He want's "franch frais"

My son is surfing his RC car. Stand on it...balance...balance...woosh...thud..."I'm ok Mommy...I'm ok"

"Never" and "Can't" are fences for your mind. Take them down and live Limitless

"Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here. You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself. "

Weirdness, when stifled, becomes Neurosis. Live Your Eccentricity

Dance Naked in the Rain with Flowers in your Hair

Email Notifications are like little erection daisies popping up in a field of cyber-thoughts.

Houses should come with a "self cleaning" option...like ovens.

Coffee...Chocolate...Wine. I'm adding these food groups to my Nutritional Pyramid

If Life could be expected...then it would only be a memory.

Sometimes you need to live life with nerve endings uncovered by a skin of feeling and exist WITHOUT Filters.

Walk alone at midnight. It frees the soul from bondage

Nothing so beautiful as a full moon over a tropical island

POOL...GRILL...BBQ CHICKEN....CABERNET. Does life GET better than this?

Money doesn't BUY happiness...it just lets you enjoy the HELL out of it.

Adrenaline Rush...haven't been HERE in a while. Too Long.

Popular Vote should not be allowed to write Discrimination into the Law.

No better way to start the week than spending the morning in bed with Mark.

Wishes her finances could be as joyful as her relationship

Some people cannot see past the end of their own agenda

Time to brew up a little magic

Wonders: Is that Pixie Dust in your pocket...or are you just happy to see me

Tryin on her Diva skin. And it feels like Home!

Wave your Magic Wand baby...c'mon and take me there.

Love is a symbiotic emotion...it must continually be co-created to persevere...that's why they call it "making" love.

The mirrors we hold up for others also reflect our own insecurities back at us. Helping another see their truth simply shines the light brighter into our own darkness. Bless the circle of life for we cannot give without receiving.

You can't live who you are until you let go of who you think you should be.

What is the sound-track of your life...what music plays you and calls you it's own. Music is the instrument through which we live our lives...

What is the soundtrack of your life...What songs speak the language of your soul?

The Possibilities are limitless. The only limits in life are the ones we impose upon ourselves

Forks and spoons fresh from the washer...become a bunch of balloons in the hands and mind of a child.

Sit by my side, and let the world slip...

All my left turns in life finally led me right....I'm so glad I can see and appreciate that. I <3 you Mark...Happy Birthday (8/22) Turning 21 again right?

How does one get a 10 yr old to do a writing assignment without doing it for him? "Just take the note-pad and WRITE...even if it sounds stupid...you can take what makes sense but it's the physical ACT of writing that makes things come"

Nothing says GOOD MORNING like watching your neighbor's car go up in flames

Lesson 1: In the war between thumbs and Library doors...The door wins.

Happy Anniversary to the Love of My Life. October 15 2009...15 years together, 12 married and I'm still Madly in Love.

Pedaling madly and falling futher behind. Just can't do this anymore.

and the winds of change begin to blow....

Trying to help my husband memorize lines is similar to him trying to help me comprehend higher mathmatics. Our thinking styles collide and then our brains implode.

I finally understand the joy on my grandmother's face when I would bring home a school project. This stuff is FUN

Restoring Order after chaos.

Wants to Wish the HAPPIEST of Thanksgivings to all friends: Old or New; Near or Far....and all her Family: in Name and in Heart. I am so thankful to have all of you in my life and enriching my life....I would not be who I am without you. May we have many more years of building memories together. Blessings to you all.

And the blessings flow from the sky....and the clouds hug the mountains close and cool the air...and the wind breathes out new life and fresh spirit. Let the cleansing rain fall and wash us new. ~Blessings on a Rainy Thanksgiving~ ...and now to go spend this rainy day preparing food and home in gratitude for all I have been gifted with...

Cheshire Cat Grin

parenting needs to come with vacation pay....and lots of valium...and maybe a fully stocked bar and personal masseuse too.

fighting for every inch of that "Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" feeling.

May all the blessings of the Season be bright upon you. May you be enfolded in the warmth of the love of family and friends. Happy Holidays to All.

*Santa* the real Santa...is the spirit of love and light that fills us all as we bring Joy and Love to those dear to us...but more than that...when our joy and love extends beyond our circle into the hearts of those who have no joy or hope or love. Send your love into the world like a butterfly without any attachment to where it lands or who it touches...it's enough to know it will make the world a little brighter

In Your Own Words

2008-03-16T09:36:00.001-10:00

On a board I post on we were asked to describe an orgasm...in our own words. This was the best I could come up with.

Deep in the darkest quiet of my soul there is a stirring...a hum of sound that is not sound...a wave of light, of fire that burns without consuming...the ocean of my soul parts and lets in the wet of you. Lapping, surging, pounding our waters merge into the oneness of desire...where the bonds of flesh slough off and all that is we becomes a torus. A symbol of eternity. Eon moments of unity...of wet...of flame. Until we slowly come back to ourselves. Seperate yet bound on a level of the soul that hums the sound of us as it quietly waits to stir once more.

that's the best I can do to describe the indescribable.

Two Roses

2008-03-14T10:40:00.004-10:00

For Tatiana & Huberto on their Wedding Day

Two Roses on a Single Vine

Entwined

Soul Petals Brushing

Soft Love Rain-mist Dampens

like Dew

Melting One into the Other

Entwined they are

Completed

Unified

They Bloom Eternally

and Merge

until

Barriers Disolve

in Love

and they are United

In Time

and

Timeless

Arietta

2008-02-26T23:57:00.002-10:00

What can I say. My daughter with a purpose. Conceived while Mark and I were seperated...we got together one time that entire month to give it one last go and BAM...there you were. Wasn't sure how I felt about the whole thing til I started spotting...red...and got scared. Terrified even. Used up the one U/S the ins company allowed us just to see your teeny beating heart.
I knew you were a girl from the beginning...the female energy was so strong...but yet we were never able to have the gender U/S confirming that. You made me listen to my instincts and trust them. That stood me in good stead during labor when I listened to my body instead of fighting it (or wanting things to be different)
From 5:30am on the 26th to 3:45am on the 27th I labored with you. Your birth was so awe inspiring...I got to help deliver you and hold you close right afterwards for as long as I wanted.
My girl...my 6 year old girl. Growing up so fast.
I love you baby girl.

Jude is Moved

2008-02-26T23:55:00.001-10:00

That's right...he is now in a new class as of yesterday. He seems much happier and more relaxed. It's a good thing. Even though I am sure he will face some challenges in this class, at least he has friends. That makes all the difference. Nine is way too young to be so stressed.

Poetry ~ Love ~ 10/00

2008-02-15T21:05:00.015-10:00

The scent of love lingers in the air

Between our bodies sparks still fly
Damp and glistening we lie apart yet touching
I feel your eyes caressing me
I breathe your breath
And become more a part of you

Your scent lingers with me
It comes back to haunt me
When we are apart
Moisture flows at the thought of you

We burn the air and shift time
Together we create a new reality
I long to be filled with your life
And gift you with creation

The sum of US is greater than eternity

(In honor of Valentines Day)

School Days

2008-02-11T22:09:00.000-10:00

Had Julian's parent/teacher conference today. :/ He is doing fine academically and his teacher felt he was doing better socially (he's been the victim of some bullying) Well...he's not really...it's just that the bullying has become more 'covert'. This is so difficult for me. I had issues myself with being 'unpopular' and was hoping he could avoid that particular joy of school. Apparently not. He is, however, WAY more mature about it than I was and much better able to articulate what is going on. I am highly impressed by both his insight and the fact that he can and does talk to us about what is happening. I don't want to fail that trust. Right now the kids are using words as punches rather than physical violence and the 'ringleader' is trying to tell his other friends (at recess) not to play with Julian anymore. He doesn't feel happy or safe at school anymore and this is just not ok.
I cannot let him down. Especially since he has entrusted us with his feelings and vulnerability. It's HARD to say 'this hurts', 'I'm sad', 'I'm scared', 'Help me'. He has so much courage. I'm in awe. My poor boy :(

Such a big boy

2008-02-11T21:08:00.000-10:00

My little munchkin decided to use the potty today...lol. We were outside today giving him some 'air time' b/c he had a case of the 'red bottom blues'. Well the first time I asked him about going potty he actually sat down and pee'd. The cutest part was watching him experiment with 'stop/start/stop/start'. Then he went 2 more times...both times he had a wee 'oops' on the ground and then went to the potty and finished up. I was so impressed. Now having had 2 other kids I know that the bladder control is the main challenge...it's much easier to train solid than liquid if you know what I mean so the fact that he is able to exert control over his bladder and knows what it's all about is very impressive. Still not pushing anything but I am so proud of him. Little man is getting bigger every day

Poetry ~ Water Roses ~ ?/2000

2008-02-10T23:44:00.000-10:00

Petals Fall Outward
From the Heart of the Rose
As Foam-capped Waves
Caress and Shape the Sand-covered Shores
Moonbeams Dance
Across Endless Expances of Water
As They Multiply in Reflection

Soft as a Rose Petal
My Want Brushes Your Soul
Ephemeral Foam Spirits
Caress and Re-shape Each Other
While Love Illuminates
And Multiplies
In the Refraction of the Waters of Your Heart.

For Julian ~ Eyes of Creation ~ ?/2001

2008-02-10T23:05:00.000-10:00

I Remember Expectation
Your First Communication
Bubbles of Hope
Tickling the Inside of my Womb

Bubbles Transform into Branches
Tapping, Poking, Pushing Outward
Against the Seal of Flesh
and Muscle that
Holds the World Away

Time
Skin becomes Rock
and Self Disolves in Timeless Eternity
of Pain/Sleep Pain/Sleep
Eons Passing in Another World

Ripping
The You-Before is Torn Away
At the First Breath of a Miracle

And the Eyes of Creation
Look on you for the First Time.

Yardwork

2008-02-10T22:53:00.000-10:00

Spent most of the day outside today...well...to be honest we slept in til like 10/11am simply because Rowan fell back to sleep instead of being 'up for good' at 6:30am. {{believe me though I am NOT complaining...6:30 am is WAAAYYY better than 4:30; which USED to be his wake up time ~ did I mention I am NOT a morning person?}}
But back to the outside. We are finally getting the yard in order again. Yippee. A fenced place for Rowan to run in, as opposed to the carport and front yard where I have to be ever-vigilent of little man's whereabouts so he doesn't head towards the road. {yikes}
I have been feeling like crap all week so it was really nice to feel somewhat better and actually get up and DO something rather than sit in bed feeling like there was a gigantic rubber band slowly being tightened around my forehead. I am not really fond of being ill...can you tell?
Got the Jasmine trimmed back and a chunk taken off the mock-orange. Still need to get down and rip all the Hilahila out (evil week with THORNS! = ouch)
However, we did get the patio power-washed so it's safe for baby feet...yay. Now I can take my laptop and coffee out back in the mornings and enjoy the view :)
I think that's my favorite thing about living here.

Poetry ~ Memories ~ 12/18/90

2008-02-08T21:52:00.000-10:00

I look back on summers
long gone
And I remember faces
of those known before
Friends who share a place
in my heart

Sometimes it is good
to look back
To let memories slide
through your mind
Like drops of rain
down a pane of glass

But we must also live
for the moment
Look at each second
as a precious pearl
For this moment really
is all we have

{I will be transferring my poems to my blog with date written where possible...enjoy}

Will you look at that

2008-02-08T18:26:00.000-10:00

Apparently Rowan got jealous. He had to prove he could do it too.
This boy has NEVER EVER EVER crashed anywhere.
He falls asleep in my arms rocking or nursing.
Now look at what he did...just cause I posted sleeping pictures of Julian and Arietta.

He had to prove he could do it too.

Art for Sale

2008-02-07T21:44:00.000-10:00

So...interestingly enough my artwork...the one thing I DIDN'T take classes in or ever see as a "career"...is selling. I illustrated (and was paid for) a childrens book a friend of mine wrote. It hasn't been published yet but it's on its way there. I think I did some good work here but it was definitely a challenge.

Then a friend of mine just commissioned me to do an art piece for her husband for Valentines Day. As a gift to him. I actually wound up writing a poem as well as designing, drawing and painting this.

I think it turned out pretty nice. :)

It's just bizarre to me to get paid for this...it would be like getting paid to act. I LOVE acting, so much so that I would pay to do it. I love writing poems and gifting them. I love drawing and creating things. SHEESH I even love doing massage and I still have a hard time asking for money for that.

GAH! I need a manager. Someone who can sell and price and negotiate my work FOR me. Oh honey...wanna be my art pimp? ROFL.

WHY is it so hard to put a value on this kind of work. I can calculate how much my time is worth for doing payroll or office management or customer service (even massage...I can figure an hourly rate) But art? Maybe it's because it stems from the heart and soul of who I am. There is a piece of me embedded in there and it's very hard to put a price tag on your soul.

KWIM?

Sleep

2008-02-07T20:58:00.000-10:00

Kids can sleep anywhere apparently...like cats. We knew that about my daughter Arietta from the beginning. I mean if you can fall asleep STANDING UP leaning on a rocking chair...well...that speaks for itself, doesn't it?

My oldest boy though, Julian? He never slept...anywhere.
Apparently though that has changed.
He must be taking lessons from the cats.
I mean really...who else but a cat can sleep like this and make it look COMFORTABLE?

I think I need to take lessons.

Mr Rowan got his HAIR CUT

2008-02-05T23:19:00.000-10:00

Before...My Long Haired Imp

After...He's All Grown Up...sniff

Still pretty cute though...eh?

Oh Boy...it's been a while

2008-02-05T23:03:00.000-10:00

Um...oops. I've been a bit lax...sigh. ok. Catch up time. Let's see...

I started working part time (yay money but boo time away from family) I'm back doing box office for South Pacific Dinner Theatre (my friend is the producer) and I'm now doing reservations as well. That keeps me a bit busy though so I've been lax at writing.

My New Years was good...Rowan enjoyed toasting everyone.

He was tickled pink to have a glass just his size :)

Arietta has now lost TWO teeth (within days of each other) My little girl is getting all grown up.

Julian is still having some trouble with school. We need to meet with his teacher/councellor to help him not fall into a 'victim' pattern.

I started in on a fitness challenege with the board I post on. It's keeping me on track with exercising...I need the accoutability and this holds me to it and keeps me motivated.

Money is still an issue but we are seeing SOME changes (I hate change...lol) so we shall see what 08 brings.

Resolution-wise? Um. Health, Prosperity, Growth, Love, Laughter, Passion, Understanding, Patience...FUN!!!! That is where I want to be and where I want our family to be. In a space of allowing abundance in...builing foundations so we can fly...finding stability and routine to underpin and support our impulsivity.

BALANCE

It's all a process, right?

Twas the Night Before

2007-12-25T00:19:00.000-10:00

... And the presents were nestled all under the tree
whilst children slept lightly waiting to see

So lift up a glass and we'll toast to Yule cheer
We don't have to be close for our hearts to be near.
Happy Holidays Everyone

Interpretations

2007-12-24T08:34:00.000-10:00

Someone posed an interesting question today on a board I frequent. Basically bringing up the commandments "Thou shalt not kill" and lying and looking for peoples opinions. You see her husband is a soldier and they were discussing whether God would consider killing to save others or killing in self defense to still be breaking that commandment. OR would god be upset that he lied if telling the truth would cause thousands to die. She wanted opinions on whether or not we thought that God would ever be 'ok' with someone breaking a commandment.
I don't think she wants my opinion.
Honestly, I'm sorry, but there is no room for interpretation here. If you follow this religion then the commandment clearly states "Thou Shalt Not Kill"; not "thou shalt not kill...UNLESS". These laws (or commandments) were not in the least ambiguous. You cannot change this...lol...it's 'set in stone'...literally. The thing is that if you choose to break a commandment then you need to work out the ramifications of that with your god. It's a personal thing. You need to make your own peace with it and no one else can do it for you.
It seems to me sometimes that people want someone else to tell them that "it's ok" and pat them on the head. A super-mommy figure to take the responsibility away from them.
Well...life doesn't work that way.
We are each responsible for the choices that we make and all the ramifications of those choices...ignorance and justifications aside...it's still our actions and our responsibility. To throw another analogy in there; no one can 'lift the cross' of accountability from your shoulders.
Think of what a wonderful world it would be if everyone sat back and realized that it doesn't MATTER what your orders are...it doesn't COUNT that someone else said "it's ok"...that NONE of that absolves you from the full 100% accountability for all the consequenses of the actions you choose to take. Ignorance doesn't absolve responsibility.
My choice = my action = my responsibility. Live with it or make a different choice, but don't ever think that someone else can take that burden from you.

Giving

2007-12-13T15:53:00.000-10:00

Sometimes I wonder if people really think about WHY we give gifts. Especially at this time of year. There was a post on one board I frequent where someone wanted to know what to get for 2 people coming to her house. Apparently she "doesn't like" the things they are interested in and didn't want to get a gift card for them because they would buy "nonsense".
Since when did shopping for someone become more about the giver than the recipient?
Since when did choosing a gift bestow upon one the right to be judgemental about another's likes?
I always thought that the point of giving a gift was to make someone ELSE happy. Of course you get something out of it too...you get that wonderful feeling of seeing their face light up because you found something perfect for them.
When did 'obligation' giving or 'one-up-manship' giving become the norm? Giving to look like the better person.
If that is your only reason to shop for this person then, in my opinion, don't bother! You have lost the purpose...the definition of "gift".
I try to teach my children to give from the heart. To take this opportunity to put another's likes and wants before their own and to really see how well they know the person. It's not about the cost of the gift but the thought behind it. THAT is the weight by which a gift should be measured.
Now I don't mean the trite 'it's the thought that counts' excuse for picking whatever. I mean that it's the amount of thought that goes into picking something "just right" for that person.
Thoughtful giving.
Thinking of others.
Letting go of our ego and our need to be better or nicer.
Taking 'ourselves' out of the equation and truely thinking about others.
Giving
Gift
We gain so much more when we GIFT of our time and hearts and thoughts.
The true purpose of the season...at least for me.

Announcement

2007-12-12T21:24:00.000-10:00

Arietta has her first loose tooth. My baby girl is growing up (sniff).
She is soooo excited :)

Words of Wisdom

2007-12-11T23:53:00.001-10:00

Sometimes in the midst of life I come up with a rare gem. Some word of wisdom offered up to another in the moment that is something I would do well to remember for myself. Going to try find some of those gifts of insight in my back communications and centralize them here. This entry will be in flux for a while as I add things...feel free to skip/skim/or revisit.

You create who you are by your own self image; love yourself enough to create someone beautiful.
Those who live in toddler houses shouldn't have glass balls
Make others treat you with the respect you deserve.
You are drawn to teach what you need to learn...and are usually good at it.
Don't dimish the complement. Accept it, and know that it is true.
The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to accept complements without quantifying them
Don't let anyone put you down by not allowing you to validate yourself
Those who love you raise you to greater heights...that is the point of loving someone
If you see yourself as attractive then you become attractive no matter your body type...a lot of being attractive is attitude.
Crying is good in measured doses. It washes the windows of the soul so you can see clearly again.

Words and Signs

2007-12-11T23:53:00.000-10:00

Ok I am trying to compile a list of all the words and signs that Rowan knows right at this moment:

Words:

Mama
Dada or DAD
Joo-e-en or JOOD (Julian)
Ah-eh-ah (Arietta)
O-an (Rowan)
Muck (milk or any liquid in a cup)
Out (with his own sign)
Help
shoe
bubble
hand
nose
noonul (noodle)
Taaaah oo (Thank you...with sign)
ssp ssp ssp ( kitty)
arararar (Honopu - 0ur dog)
dog
No No No (of course)
fish (with sign)
book (with sign)
sleep (with sign)
Up
dat (that)
Hot
ow (signs 'hurt')
brooon (balloon)
behBE (baby)
Duh (duck)
Sit
boo (like peek a boo)
bobble (bottle)

Signs:

Nurse
Bird
Bath
more
water
eat
change (as in diaper)
rain (sometimes)
please

O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum

2007-12-11T23:19:00.001-10:00

We got our TREEeee!!!
I am so excited...can you tell? LOL
Its just not the Holidays until I get the smell of a real pine tree in my house.
We got a 6/7 ft Noble Pine and it is soooo pretty. Now all I want to do is get some cider cooking and carols playing and DECORATE. Of course it's like 11:30 at night and I have no cider to mull and can't play carols with the kids asleep...but...
It's the thought.
I think tomorrow I'll put some chai on the stove and christmas songs on the radio and straighten up and decorate. Trim my tree with lights and ornaments and enjoy the sights and smells that mean "holiday season" to me.
O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
How lovely are thy Branches.

Whoops

2007-12-11T23:19:00.000-10:00

Bit of a mommy goof. Um. I went to log the 2 new teeth that Rowan has (he's been teething and cut a molar on the 2nd and an eye tooth last night).
Well...
When I went to record it all in the baby book I realized that I never recorded when tooth number 8 broke through.
um...
ooops.
Good thing I post on my mommy board...lol.
Was able to track down a post I made about it.
September 3rd.
geeez who knew the 3rd child would mean my brain stopped working.

Advice to Remember

2007-12-11T13:48:00.000-10:00

I think I have high expectations of my children and high expectations of myself as a parent...sometimes too high. Sometimes I have to step back and realize that I have to parent as WHO I AM and not as who someone else is. I'll be the best for my kids if I am the truest to myself. I may not have a house that is in order and picture perfect all the time (or ever! lol) I may not be able to do the marvelous recipes, or be crafty and creative, or take my kids on outings all the time, or organize our time so we do alphabets and learning etc etc. I see another parent do that and sometimes I think that my kids would be better off "if only I could..." What I try to keep reminding myself of is the fact that no one can do everything or be everything and I need to be happy with who I am and how *I* relate to them. WHen I am in that space and can forgive myself and let go of the need to be "perfect" then I am happier and the behavior doesn't seem like an attack...I'm better able to handle it b/c *I* am not disappointed in myself and therefor I don't think my kids are disappointed in me. It's REALLY REALLY HARD and I'm no where near there all the time but I am doing better.

Cats

2007-12-11T13:34:00.000-10:00

I turned to look in my lower livingroom and saw this:

Cats will cuddle anything with a lap.

Growing up.

2007-12-10T21:18:00.000-10:00

My little one is getting so big now. He wants to do everything all on his own. The other week he ran himself a bath. Seriously. I told him 'just a minute' and then was startled to hear water running in the bathroom. Apparently he climbed into the tub with the bubble bath, put the plug in the drain, and turned on the cold water (cold water tap is loose...hot is NOT). When I got there he was holding the bubble container under the running water trying to figure out why there were no bubbles.
The other day he put on an oven mitt and stood at the stove door saying "help?"
His vocabulary is expanding too. I love the word explosion. It is my favorite time :)
Can we slow it all down though...it's going too fast.

Metamorphosis

2007-12-10T20:33:00.000-10:00

I am turning into my grandmother. Seriously. Ok, not COMPLETELY seriously but you know. I'm finding that when I keep my house in order my inner "gram" comes out. This is not necessarily a 'bad' thing either. My gram raised me because my mom worked full time and she was a pretty wonderful lady, lemme tell ya. I was awfully lucky to have that in my life. She instilled in me a love of learning that nothing could take away. Even during my 'I don't care' years of school I STILL learned all on my own about things that interested me. Learning HOW to learn is a pretty amazing gift.
I digress. What I mean by 'turning into my gram' is I am suddenly, out of the blue, baking. Cooking. Me. Not from a box either. I've roasted chicken and turkey; made homemade pie crust. This past weekend I baked gingerbread cookies...from scratch. Today I made homemade macaroni and cheese...with a roux even (not that I know what a 'roux' IS...but I made one). I have all my Christmas cards done. Handwritten using calligraphy even. I'm climbing on ladders putting up decorations. I'm BAKING (yes I know I said that but it's a biggie)
The neat thing about all this is that I am really having fun doing it. I quite enjoy doing special 'homey' things for the kiddos. All this purging and releasing of "stuff" is making me a better parent, I think. It's definitely a step in the right direction...now I need to work on that "one foot in front of the other" thing and I'll be golden :D

Ow

2007-12-04T21:23:00.000-10:00

All of the cleaning and sorting and whatnot has kicked up a huge amount of dust and now I have a sore throat. Ow. sniff.
I'm having a Hot Toddy of lemon honey and brandy in hot water. Yum. Honey-Lemon Throat drop with a 'kick'.
Now let the baby fall asleep so I can go to bed!

Emerging from Chaos

2007-12-04T20:20:00.000-10:00

So

We finally closed the Hanalei Payroll office and now have the business running out of our house. This has been a long time coming and I'm glad it's finally here. Paying two rents out here when things have gotten SOOoooo expensive just isn't feasible. So. Ok. The office closed this past weekend. This is good.

What is not good is that I now have all the contents of said office IN MY HOUSE. It would be one thing if it was all organized and necessary. Sadly though we inherited the office from the pack-rat recycler. Mark threw out a gazillion bags of garbage and we STILL had an insane amount show up.

Now mind you, my house was in chaos to begin with. I had just gotten a handle on laundry and my bedroom when this all walked through the door Fri and Sat. Sigh. To top it all off Mark separated a rib on Sat throwing the old copier away so that kinda limits how helpful he can be.

Well I am proud to announce that I have gotten a handle on the chaos and have done some major purging at the same time. I went through my books and thinned out a good 3 boxes worth. We went through old VHS tapes and filled another box with those. All of Rowan's baby toys are gone and so are a bunch of old baby clothes. We also tossed about 3 bags of garbage and earmarked another 2 boxes for give-away. I wanna know where it was all hiding!

My upper living-room got reorganized and decorated for the Holidays. My lower living-room is sorted and organized and I am working on the crafting/art area right now. There is just no real storage out here and we NEED to just get rid of the things in our life that no longer serve us. If we are a slave to our possessions we can hide behind them and miss out on living. I'm tired of hiding. My new cleaning Mantra is Use, Need, Place.
Can I Use it?
Do I Need it?
Does it have a Place?
It must meet those criteria to stay.

Tis the season of letting go.

All About Me...gah.

2007-11-24T21:15:00.000-10:00

So the book I illustrated is moving forward to publication and I need to come up with a bio. ack!
Some background...my friend wrote a story that she decided to publish as a childrens book and she was looking for an illustrator. I had gotten back to playing with drawings and paintings after a long hiatus and had made them a keepsake box as a gift. After viewing that and some of my other work she asked me to illustrate her story. We had some obstacles (new baby, their water pump on their well broke) but the drawings are turned in and scanned and I need to get them a bio.
I'm used to writing theatre bio's b/c that was...well...what I do. I act. This is newer for me and I'm working it out. A bit harder than I thought it was going to be but I'll get there.
I'll let everyone know when the book is out :)

All Hallow's Eve...Samhain...Hallowe'en

2007-11-04T20:53:00.001-10:00

Aaaah Hallowe'en.
A time of mystery and magic...
A time of shadows and moonlight
When the veil between the worlds thins
and only our laughter anchors us to the now.

Samhain
The New Year
Winter's Beginning
Where the Wheel of Life
The Circle; begins it's rotation
With the dying of the land.

A time of Faeries and Masks and Deception
Of treats and tricks
of laughter and screams
A time to glorify and revel in our fears
and perchance
heal them.

My Favorite time.

Somebody please explain to me then why I NEVER seem to have it together enough to truly DO UP Halloween with all the splendor and magic it deserves? Grrrr. Another thing to work on for myself as I face the coming year. ah well...moving on.

This year for Halloween we had some interesting firsts. My oldest for the first time requested a gory and scary costume. We've been through ninjas and dragons and spiderman etc...but this year my sweet, gentle boy wanted to be a cloaked and hooded figure with a glowing white screaming face dripping and oozing blood. A thing to make a mother proud. My dd was not a princess!!! (gasp) She chose a 'dark empress' costume and looked like an evil faerie queen. And my little guy was a crab...lol...a crab that hated it's head. His first was in learning how to trick or treat. He learned to walk up to someone, say "HAND", receive a candy and place it in his pumpkin. Too Cute. Mark and I also went against nature and were prep school sweethearts for Halloween. Anyone who knows us understands the joke. (For those that don't let me just say that we are the antithesis of that there costume)
Also a first we had another adult with us for Halloween. Thom (Rowan's godfather) came along as a rather gorgeous pirate. Too bad he's gay...too bad for the ladies I mean cause he is HOT and just the sweetest man on earth. (Yes my husband knows I think that) Thom actually gave me my greatest complement...he commented on my outfit as being so cute it was naughty in a bizarre twisted way and that he never noticed til now that I have a great ass. When a gay man praises your ass...this is a good thing. right?

ANYway...
Here are the costumes:

Remembering Mary

2007-11-04T18:46:00.000-10:00

My friends Annaleah and Joshua used to do playback theatre with me. Their daughter Mary had had some issues at birth that caused her to have motor skills issues and speach issues. A sweeter soul you would never meet though.

I remember doing a playback rehearsal where I played Mary for one of Joshua's memories. He had spoken to us of how much he loved her and how close their bond was. He spoke also of the joy she brought to his life through the 'simple things'. The two of them used to go bowling all the time and that was HIS special time with her. I don't think I ever saw them apart...she was the light and joy of his life.

Two years ago Mary had a series of strokes and ended up in the hospital...she almost didn't recover. Eventually she did but you could see that her hold on this world was a bit more tenuous...she seemed almost transparent at times...ethereal.

Well, on September 23rd 2007 at the age of 23...Mary crossed over.

We had not been in close contact with Annaleah and Joshua for a while...although we saw them here and there and it was by chance (or design?) that Mark saw the obituary in the paper and called my attention to it. We saw it on Sat. and the memorial at there house was that coming Monday.

Suddenly I was 'taken by the muse' and had to begin writing. I finished the verse and some sketching on Saturday and painted the gift on Sunday afternoon. On Monday we attended the gathering at their house (found the house by chance too...since there was no address in the paper) and I presented them with this "Present of Mary"

Many a flower blooms and fades ' too quickly we might say, yet

A flower's worth is measured out in joy, not length of stay

Regret not the fading nor the petals on the breeze.

Yesterday's Petals on the winds of memory

Are smiles beyond a flower's season.

- in memory of Mary A.

The Saga of the Bird

2007-11-04T13:44:00.000-10:00

"The TIME has come" the walrus said "to talk of many things. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax: of Cabbages and Kings" - Lewis Carroll

And here the time has come to speak of the saga of the bird. So fix yourself a cup of tea and a plate of cookies and settle in...it's story time.

Once upon a time in a land full of feathers and dreams there lived a family of 5. Well, 5 humans at least. A mother human, a father human, an eldest son, a middle daughter, and a toddler boy. This family also included 5 pets: The eldest cat, the boy cat, the boy cat's girl friend, the kitchen cat, and the dog. The family was complete and happy to be so. At least, they THOUGHT they were complete.

One day the family was preparing for a friend to visit and share a meal with them. The elder children were out playing and staying out of the way while the mother and father prepared dinner and the toddler played "get underfoot". It was 5:45 in the evening and the friend was due to arrive around 6/6:30pm...dinner was cooking and there were only a few preparations left to be made. Plenty of time to finish without being rushed.
Suddenly the voice of the girl child was heard through the open window as she and the boy made their way home: "mumble mumble BIRD...mumble KEEP IT mumble".

The mother immediately thought to herself "Oh PLEASE, by all that is sacred in the world - NOT A BABY CHICKEN".

{Now to understand the urgency of the mother's fervor'd plea it is necessary to be aquainted with a few salient facts:
Firstly - that chickens are wild on this Rock in the Sea, in fact the neighbors boy had recently adopted 2 wild baby chicks...and chickens (and roosters) are loud!
Secondly - the dog (due to an unfortunate 'pecking incidence' in his youth) had an unreasoning hatred of all things chicken...unless cooked}

Well, her supplication was answered. It was not a baby chicken.

Oh no...not a chicken.

It was one of these:

A Japanese White eye...only a little bit bigger than a large egg.

SIGH

So the mother and father made the bird a safe place within the cat carrier using a towel and gave the bird water and melon and crackers to tempt it. All through dinner the toddler HAD to go and see the bird. The young boy was enthralled and kept signing "bird bird bird" to anyone who would listen. Every 5 minutes he went to see the bird: "bird bird bird". Well the bird eventually settled in and looked like it was sleeping. So the mother told the young child "Shhhh, we must be quiet. The bird is trying to sleep" So the young boy then signed "Shhhhh, bird sleep". Over and over he would ask for someones hand so he could lead them to where the bird was and tell them "Shhhhhh, bird sleep".

And so the evening drew to a close. The friend left, the daughter and toddler fell into slumber and the eldest boy was reading in his room as the father and mother worked on ending their day. But all was not ok in this house of feathers and dreams...the father came to the mother with unsettling news "I think the bird died" he said to her...so she came to look and sure enough the small bundle of feathers had breathed it's last and moved on.

What to do?

In the morning the mother spoke to the daughter and told her of the passing of the feathered spirit. "My daughter" she said "do not grieve to deeply; this beautiful bird knew that it's time to move on had come...and it came to you. It trusted you to give it a safe and comfortable place for it's body to rest while it's spirit moved on. That is a very sacred and special trust to receive from a wild animal. Be honored that you were chosen and do not be ashamed of your tears, for they are natural and right. We will allow you to choose a special plant and we will bury the bird..." "Her name is Cutie" said the daughter. "We will bury Cutie and put a plant over her so you can always see her in the growth of your plant" said the mother. "We will do it this afternoon when you come home from school."

So the children left for school and the mother and father sat and thought. They thought of how cute the young toddler had looked when he signed bird...they thought of how much the young girl had liked the bird...they thought of the inevitable "Can we get a bird" that was bound to issue from the childrens mouths...and they decided to go look and see if getting a bird would be a feasable thing to do.

Now I am sure, dear reader, that you KNOW what happened next...

They came home with THIS:

and the children were pleased.

Then they buried Cutie under a beautiful crotan right in the front of the house.

They are now a family of 5 humans and 6 pets and they are working on making the budgie feel welcome. The mother is hand training it. The children talk to it. The toddler coo's and babbles at it right before trying to hug the entire cage.

And the father, you ask? He is trying to convince the dog that the bird will not replace him and convince the cats that the bird is NOT a 'box-lunch'.

And so the saga of the bird comes to a close. In the land of dreams a new feather has come to roost and sing.

and all of this is true...

Lazy Saturday.

2007-11-03T20:21:00.000-10:00

It was a pretty lazy saturday out here...first hint of fall in the air.
Well, for Hawaii anyway.
It was cool and rainy. We were supposed to have 2 soccer games for Julian today but they called off the tournament due to the rain, so we came home and just crashed.
I like it when it gets cooler. We should have some more of that soon. I think I really miss Fall and Spring. I do like some of the seasons...the crispness in the air the smell of new flowers in the spring. Just not sub zero - freeze your nose off - cold.
I really need to get all of my back stuff blogged so I can talk about my boy...my oldest turns NINE on the eleventh. wow.
OK...my brain is fried today. Count this a loss and I will blog more later

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun! Right?

2007-11-02T21:33:00.000-10:00

So my Daughter Arietta has always been one to march to the beat of her own drummer...or at least her own solo. It's fitting I guess...her name means 'little aria' or more literally...'little self contained piece for one voice'. Yup. That's her to a T or a do re mi at least. She is only 5 and is in first grade, won't turn 6 til the end of February BUT she is almost top of her class and peers with the older students. Yeah...one of those...lol.
She was a "dark empress" for Halloween so I did her hair in twisted whirlies in front...make her fairie-like:

Ignore the head glued to shoulder pose...it's her new thing.
ANYWAY...
she decided after seeing how it looked when the whirlies came out that she wanted THAT style for school on Fri.
Um...ok.
So thursday we bathe and whirl hair so that it looks like this:

and on Friday we take the whirlies out and off she goes:

Like I said...she has her own orchestra playing for her.

And you know what?

I wouldn't want it any other way.

How is this OK?

2007-11-02T04:00:00.000-10:00

Double Standards bother me to no end.
And this is a shining example of a double standard in action. There has recently been furor over the movie "A Golden Compass". Accusations have been made that it is attempting to subvert children and indoctrinate them into Atheism. This is bad and should be boycotted. HOWEVER it is apparently ok for someone to put this pamphlet in a bag of candy they hand to my child on Halloween:

I don't care that it's Christian...what annoys me is that THIS is ok but a similar pamphlet extolling the 'truth' of Wicca or Atheism etc would cause an uproar. I don't much see the difference.
Now don't get me wrong...if this had been offered to ME as the parent I would have no problem with it. Gives me the right to choose and respects my RIGHT to have a different belief. Sneaking it into my child's candy bag at halloween??? not so much.
Double Standards people...double standards.
You can't do it yourself and then cry foul when it's done back to you.
Honor MY Truth as I Honor YOURS. They can both be valid without being diminished.

The Journey Begins

2007-11-01T21:24:00.000-10:00

The Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with a single step...at least that's the quote...so here is my stepping off place. Bilbo Baggins in LOTR likened the road to a dangerous River that can sweep you onwards into unknown adventure simply by your stepping out your front door. So I am dipping my toe...as it were...testing the waters.
I love to journal but always seem to stop or have trouble finding the time to write. With nursing Rowan though I seem to spend lots of time at the computer; might as well use it to my advantage and try my hand at an online journal. It's not quite the same...I can't draw or color...but we'll see how it goes.
It seems fitting that I begin my journey on the Wiccan New Year. I am not one to limit myself to one belief but I like the symbolism of the Wiccan holidays...how neatly the fit into the cycle of the earth. I think it's time for me to study Wicca a bit more.
I'm on a journey in life too...constantly working on myself; learning, growing, changing...it's a fascinating path; this river of life and you can't fully appreciate it unless you immerse yourself.

I think it's time for a swim.